Sobriety

Episode #2: The Blog Post

Listen to this episode 37 minutes

In today’s episode, Russ and Mika open up about an extremely personal topic that most people aren’t comfortable talking about.

This is an exciting episode for the two of us, and honestly, it’s a little bit scary.

This podcast is about a rather personal topic for the both of us.

Recently, Mika chose to open up on her personal blog about something that most people don’t feel comfortable talking about publicly. In 2012, she discovered that Russ was having an affair, and it nearly destroyed their marriage.

A few months ago she wrote a blog post called “We Saved Our Marriage”, about how the two of them addressed this challenge, how they grew from it, and how they came out stronger on the other side.

This episode is the story of how Russ and Mika saved their marriage, what it felt like to share that story online, how people reacted to the story, and what the two of them have learned from that experience. We hope you enjoy.

In this episode, you will learn:

• Why Mika chose to write her blog post.
• How a hardening of heart can damage a marriage.
• The challenges of “Breaking a cycle”.
• Why you have to get uncomfortable before you can grow.

Mentioned in this episode:

RussPerry.co
MikaPerry.com
DesignPickle.com
The Sober Entrepreneur by Russ Perry
We Saved Our Marriage by Mika Perry
MOPS
The One Thing Guaranteed to End All Marriages by Meg Marie Wallace
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Transcript:

Russ Perry: We are super excited you are here and honestly this is kind of nerve-wracking to be totally transparent. It’s our first real episode. You guys just said listen to, hopefully, listen to the intro there and this topic today is about a really personal issue for the two of us.

Mika Perry: So when we made the decision to create this podcast, we did so because we wanted to share our personal journey in a really honest way. This is something that Russ has been doing with the recent publication of his book, the Silver Entrepreneur, which I think is a wonderful book.

Russ Perry: Writing that book for sure was a Cathartic experience for me. I mean, I was spending a year and a half on what I went through, not only in our past but the steps and the processes and the support I had gotten and it was a release. I was able to process so much and finally being able to put that out there. It was a huge experience for me, but it was one-sided. I was just doing it all on my own and a decision that I had made by myself. So as important as that was and as Cathartic as that was for myself, I knew that Mika would eventually want to have her own experience and how she would process everything that had happened between the two of us.

Mika Perry: So recently, I’d say a couple months ago, I chose to make that decision. I chose to open up on my personal blog about something that most people don’t feel comfortable talking about publicly. In 2012, I discovered that Russ was having an affair and it nearly destroyed our marriage. A few months ago, I wrote a blog post called, We Saved Our Marriage about how we address this challenge. How we grew from it and how we came out stronger on the other side.

Russ Perry: I’ve been completely supportive of Mika’s decision to write that post. It was not only a brave thing to do but something that allowed me to finally see a new perspective on what has happened between the two of us. I know with social media, Instagram, even podcasts like this, there’s the tendency to present a perfect image of who we are and what we do and the way Mika wrote that post took a lot of courage to show the reality, the cracks in the reality and the blemishes and everything that is required to just be vulnerable and honest and admit that life isn’t perfect and I’m proud of her for doing it.

Mika Perry: Well, thank you. So this episode, is really important to us and that’s why we wanted to start off with this episode to introduce us to you and share our story of how we saved our marriage, what it felt like to share that story online to people we knew, complete strangers, and how people reacted to our story and what we have learned from this experience. We really hope you enjoy.

So why did I write it? The blog post. So if you’re on my blog, you’ll notice it’s mostly like home decor and very lifestyle tips. It originated when I was in my organizing business and so it was just showcase some of my client work and give organizing tips while after that ended, I kept it going into the lifestyle space of being a mom and I do like writing. So it was a creative outlet for me, but I knew the day would come, especially after you wrote this book that I would have to tell my side and actually the trigger or the day I said, you know what, this is, I’m going to write it is I belong to a women’s group at my church. It’s Mops. And there was a speaker there and she spoke candidly about the hardening of heart. And her name’s Meg Murray Wallace, she was wonderful.

It’s actually her first time speaking and she was so nervous but so sweet and did, I mean she just had a gift for it. And after she got up there and was courageous and told really very candid things, I won’t tell her story or anything, but no, she was just saying that the problem with what happens in marriage, why marriages fail is because of the hardening of heart. And when you listen to someone speak at resonates with your own personal experience. So for me, that was like, Gosh, I totally believed that hardening of heart and-

Russ Perry: Did that happened in our relationship.

Mika Perry: I think so don’t you think at some point back then.

Russ Perry: I don’t know yeah.

Mika Perry: We were very close to each other. We have definitely had a wall up and then after the affair definitely, my heart was very hardened.

Russ Perry: I don’t know.

Mika Perry: But anyway, so I heard her speak and afterwards, I have told people here and their friends, even at my Mops table, they knew some of them, but I got the pole and the push to finally do it. And it was funny because in her speech when she wrote about this, a hardening of heart, which was inspired unfortunately by an affair that happened within her family that broke apart and ended up in a divorce.

She said that she wrote this post really quick, just posted it, closed it, and then went to the gym with their kids and I said, you know what? I’m going to use that same strategy. I am not going to mull over it. I’m not going to rewrite it and rewrite it and reread it and reread it. I am going to write this post, close the laptop and get on with my day. And so I did that and then came back to many, many, many messages and-

Russ Perry: It went viral and-

Mika Perry: It did not go viral but-

Russ Perry: Oh come on, I think it went viral.

Mika Perry: … But it had certainly. I mean if you look at my stats on my blog posts, it was just like boom, spike. It was crazy.

Russ Perry: AKA Viral.

Mika Perry: I imagine like vital to be, it gets shared and ends up on Huffington post or something like that.

Russ Perry: And then we’re just getting rolling. It’s the early days of viral.

Mika Perry: But in any case, I put it out there, the response is incredible. My heart broke because I realized how many people had battled with affairs and addictions either in the past or currently people I no idea who they were reached out to me. People I knew reached out to me and I thought, this needs to happen. People love it. You know why Instagram stories is so popular? Snapshots because you get a peek into a person’s more candid real life and there a thing people love a curated Instagram feed, curated blog. Yeah, because no one wants to look at ugly photos. Everyone wants to look at pretty things I do at least. You follow funny ones, pretty ones, inspiring ones, motivational ones, whatever speaks to you. But everyone appreciates people being honest and raw and real and I really was happy that I put myself out there in that way and put our story out there, my side, which apparently people did want to know about.

Russ Perry: Well and I look at back to why it had the impact it had and my book similarly has had an equal response. It’s a bit, I think less known because a lot of the consumption of my book is through Kendall and I don’t see the traffic from that directly, but I think what my theory is and why it was so well received is we are truly surrounded by, I wouldn’t say fake content, but curated content. Content that’s made to entertain or seem perfect or educate or inform and we become desensitized to reality. And so when you come out swinging metaphorically and drop a truth bomb on a topic that I’m sure people listening to this. There are people listening to this that makes them uncomfortable because they’ve either had it or they struggled with it or they’re denying it or maybe they’re suspicious of it. When that comes and hits you in the face and you’re used to pretty shoes and avocado toast and well-organized spaces and the fat Jewish doing his funny thing and then here’s the story about my affair or Affairs and-

Mika Perry: And Russ now is like doing the thumb scroll in the air as you’re going through a feed these are the things you see.

Russ Perry: Its a boom, it’s a punch in the face, but it’s also a breath of fresh air because we can only hide from reality for so long and I think when I go back to the wise and I psychoanalyze that, I know one of the reasons we got to the place we are us because we were both avoiding reality in our different ways. I took a much more destructive path for it. You were avoiding any confrontation of it and feelings or challenges. And what we’re doing now is the complete opposite is we’re not only confronting reality, we’re shining a light on it and saying, here was our reality. Don’t be afraid of it. It’s not as dark and scary as you might think it could be, in fact, it’s that light, it’s that awareness, it’s talking about it which is the only path to resolving anything and healing.

Mika Perry: And I respect people who say, well I want to keep parts of my life private. Sure. And I think there’s definite benefits and I think you should, you shouldn’t tell all and show everything, there are things you need to reserve for yourself and your partner and your family, but by being who you are, not just being authentic but like putting it out there is being a light for others and helping others and what better way to show love and like spread goodness and.

Russ Perry: In particular in a topic where people aren’t comfortable. We’ve gone through a lot of repair, which I want to ask you specifics on some tips and ideas, but we’ve invested in therapy. We’ve gone to counseling, I’ve done years of personal development. You’re involved in women’s programs, we’ve read books, I’ve written books, you’ve written stuff, so it’s not to say this automatically happens, but to be able to share that path it’s no different than someone who’s traversed a jungle and gotten through all the dangers and just to go back and say, “Hey, here is a way through it, not guaranteed you’ll get through it, but A it’s possible and B here’s what I’ve learned.” And that’s to me will be even the purpose of today’s show is just to kind of go through it. So what are your kind of, I think, initial tips for someone with a hard heart that’s gone through something really devastating because you’re getting messages like a month ago I found out my husband had an affair.

Mika Perry: What do I do? Any tips?

Russ Perry: Right? And I don’t know. I mean, I’m sure there’s men out there who are closed off in our heart of hearts, whether they’re the perpetrators or they’re a victim of it or whatever might happen. But how do you solve a hardened heart?

Mika Perry: Well, I think it’s important to share what we did. Okay. As our tips, because I’m not here to say this is what you should do because every situation is different. So for me and for us, initially I was angry when I found out that there was an affair, I was angry. Then I went to God. I am a Christian and for me … I’m a Christian, but I wasn’t going to church for a long time, we hadn’t been. And at that moment I was like, I need to go to church.

Russ Perry: Why did that thought come into your head? Like what, Desperation?

Mika Perry: Or a higher, bigger power than me. I couldn’t do it on my own.

Russ Perry: Right.

Mika Perry: It was something bigger than me. I had been trying to do it alone and you can’t do that. And so I needed help and that’s why I need to go to this God. After that, it was deciding to let you pack in.

Russ Perry: I was, yeah. I mean it’s easy to laugh about it now, but I literally was living on a couch at my friend’s apartment.

Mika Perry: This happened when, if I haven’t read the post yet, I’ll just skip a little bit of details we can go to the post more. But it was when Reese’s two months old and so we’d been married four years, I think. Did Not expect it to happen. Actually, this the question I have in my Instagram DM right now that I need to write back to you and respond is that, was your marriage good before it happened? What was it like? Was it good? Was it bad? Did you see it coming? I did not see it coming. Was our marriage good? Yes. Because Russ was and still is my best friend. Some people believe in soulmates, some don’t. I think you and I do believe that you’re made for each other or you’re are with the best match. I still believe that, but we had so much other stuff in our lives that was really bringing us down.

Russ Perry: And pushing us away from pushing us away from each other.

Mika Perry: And pushing us away from each other, and that’s that thing is we were not willing to face the demons in our lives. And I’m talking about addiction of hardening of the heart of busyness of children. Leading up to this, I had just had a baby so I was pregnant. I was focused on that. I was working so we did not go on date nights. We did not invest in ourselves. So yeah, it was her marriage fine. It was fine. So I did not expect it, but it wasn’t good by any means and we weren’t good at people. We weren’t right with ourselves.

Russ Perry: And I don’t think anything dramatic in a relationship like an affair or I mean anything in life. Let’s go even beyond an affair a death a curve ball you don’t … No one expects it. It’s not planned. It never just is like this. I think with the exception of like a very small fraction of a percentage of sociopathic, weird, crazy situations do plan on that. It is a slow, gradual.

Mika Perry: Accumulation of pain and fear and things that happen in one part. One part of your book that really spoke to me was that when this happened when it was revealed that you had had an affair and I confronted you and how you just broke down and you said that, you felt like, who am I? What had I become? I never thought I would be a person like this, I can never be and you were and you had done that.

Russ Perry: I want to expand on that really quick because I think it’s important to understand, and this kinda goes into the area of today’s society and social media. It’s like we are masters of manipulating our own reality. And we put out stuff to show who we are take away social media. We can do that to ourselves. And that’s what I know I was doing. I was creating a reality that was so far from my core of who I was to perpetuate behaviors decisions to justify to rationalize. And I think in any relationship like that’s a huge warning sign that like if you’re having to excuse or rationalize or confront internally things and kind of have to reconcile that because there’s something there. That should have been my first warning sign that and we didn’t have the communication skills that we have now. I was not at all, I hated confrontation in general. We joke that I was-

Mika Perry: You and I both.

Russ Perry: Yeah, you for different reasons I was always like, I would be nervous sending like a sandwich back that was wrong. But that is if anyone’s listening to this, I want to stop there because we are so good at convincing ourselves of things that we can mask a problem. And that’s when problems grow to become disastrous. And that’s what happened with us.

Mika Perry: That’s what happened. Yep. So once you came back, I made the decision to work on the marriage rather than divorce. I remember I looked up an annulment, I looked up how long can I, do you have to be married for until your annulment is no longer an option.

Russ Perry: I didn’t know that.

Mika Perry: Yeah. So I remember I looked that up, I started at say okay when you get all these documents in the blog post, I mentioned. You left, I took all her money and put in a-

Russ Perry: Rich

Mika Perry: Personal account.

Russ Perry: Very much but-

Mika Perry: It wasn’t much, but I-

Russ Perry: It wasn’t

Mika Perry: whatever I can, solve my inner. But I said let’s work on it. I didn’t want to get a divorce. My parents are together. They are still together. 30 something, I don’t know, 38 years, 35, I don’t know.

But my dad’s parents got divorced and my dad just told me that divorce is terrible and I didn’t want that and something in my heart, whether it was God or me or I don’t know, said let’s work on it. And for me it’s like, let’s go to therapy, let’s do this. And the worst that can happen is that it doesn’t work and we divorce. I am grateful that I had that clarity and I had that strength to do it. I think that’s where a lot of women’s struggle is that’s the spot there and right now what do I do? Which roadway take because divorce is so easily available and accepted and other people have told me, my friends are telling me to leave him, what should I do? Now I never want to be in the position to tell anyone here or anywhere what to do. Leave him, don’t leave him. But I will say from my experience, thank God I and you and we decided to give it the best shot we could.

Russ Perry: I would say it’s going to be a lot easier to give it a try and to give it a shot. That’s the only chance you’re gonna have to come out with a situation that reconciles your family. If you do quit on it, there’s 0% chance of a unified family of a family that can come through it as a stronger family, as a lessons to pass on to future generations and to break a cycle frankly because that’s the path that we would have been on. Not necessarily with your parents, but on my side, my mom’s been divorced multiple times. My Dad’s been divorced multiple times, his parents were, unfortunately, there was his dad died on my dad’s side, Just this destructive cycle and the only way we could have changed that cycle was committing to change and coming through it, which if you choose divorce, the cycle perpetuates and again, like you said, I agree with this is not to make a suggestion or tell people what to do, but to know that there is the only way to come out on the other side with a reconciled marriage and a marriage that’s on fire like ours is today is the commitment to that path.

Mika Perry: And it’s-

Russ Perry: Hard.

Mika Perry: It’s hard. So that path takes time and it’s hard.

Russ Perry: How long did it take?

Mika Perry: I don’t know where. I think I Google everything guys. I’m one of those like I’m going to webMD if you’re that person you might scare us off in anything. So I just googled like, should I leave my husband’s, affair, divorce? All these things. You know what to do. And when I did in that, something said forgiveness takes two years. Someone can have completely made that up, but I bought it and I was like, okay, two years, maybe it’s because I work well with deadlines and framework and I’m a very type A person, but I said, okay, so somewhat out there told me, gave me the permission right now to be angry and bitter for two years and then two years is my-

Russ Perry: Your deadline.

Mika Perry: … My deadline to forgive. I said okay I can handle that. So for me, it was two years and I don’t know if it’s because I placebo affected myself into that belief. It worked. We went to marriage counseling, you worked on personal development, you got sober and all of these things came together to where really two years afterwards I would say is where I felt like, okay, I think we did it. I think we’ve made it. Now even a month after it happened, you and I were able to smile or laugh. Remember we’d go get ice cream cones at McDonald’s afterwards. So that was our treat were like, we’ll go to-

Russ Perry: After therapy.

Mika Perry: After therapy will go to therapy and then go … We don’t go to McDonald’s ever. But for some reason a chocolate dipped cone at McDonald’s is what we shared afterwards. And for some then that gave me like a glimmer of hope.

Russ Perry: Well, we learned quickly one of the biggest challenges in our marriage was we were not committing to creating any traditions or anything that we stood for as a married couple. We weren’t married super young, but we were married, you married into having a stepdaughter right out of the gates, which that was a challenge and a blessing and a challenge. But there was like, with there was no manual for what to do on one of our first sessions our councilor Jamie was like, “You guys, it’s like you stand for nothing as a married couple.” And we didn’t go to church together. We started to obviously right afterwards like you mentioned, but there was nothing that we stood for as married couple. We had no family traditions, all of our holidays were spent with your family or my family or doing things with other people. And I look back at the ice cream cone post counseling and that was like one of our first traditions that we set together.

Mika Perry: That’s true, I love that.

Russ Perry: But it was weird, where did we start? We started with the commitment to each other despite how long it was and we got some outside help. That alone was massive.

Mika Perry: Huge. And we recently went back and had a boost session with them, but really I went to go thank him and show him, hey-

Russ Perry: We did it.

Mika Perry: Guess what-

Russ Perry: There was a success.

Mika Perry: … You’re doing good work. You helped us. We have another daughter now look at the hand you axed because I think a lot of people don’t know what effect they have on other people’s lives and it’s important for them to know.

Russ Perry: And I look to anyone who’s in this situation, the darkness of isolation is overwhelming. And allowing a third party person to come in to be a part of what’s going on from an objective point of view is massive to just not feel alone because you may not want to be close to the person who’s hurt you right now. If this is you, if you’re in the situation, but you can’t navigate it alone, you have to get outside help.

Mika Perry: Absolutely. An isolation you touch on that word is I think what resonated or was definitely my point in writing this blog post and putting it out there is, “Hey, I went through this, you may not think that we went through an affair and came out on the other side because you look at what’s on social media or whatever and you see that, we’re a happy couple and that makes you feel isolated. Like, Gosh, they have such a great marriage, or oh they have those, and then it would get that perpetuates that whole feeling of feeling alone. Now if something terrible is happening and no one’s talking to you about it, you’re not talking to anyone about it. You feel so alone. Especially if it’s something shameful like an affair in addiction. My point was to say, hey, you’re not alone.

So maybe, social media as much as it gets such a bad rap for so many reasons of, negativity and bringing down self-esteem and jealousy and comparison. It really is becoming a social arena for people to connect and is.

And so I felt like something like this blog post is that middle step between getting a counselor and getting help but is to find out that other people are going through this.

Russ Perry: To open the door

Mika Perry: To open the door and you know, like me doing the Google search, I was like, somebody please help me like affair, tell me what are you guys doing? I don’t know. And that was before social media was as big as it is now and so it was just weird chat groups and that’s all I found. And so I wanted to now on the other side, sitting here now talking about this and being in a way better marriage with you to let people know that that’s possible because it’s so dark going through it.

Russ Perry: Outside help getting out of isolation, being able to confront whatever it is, being committed to an outcome. Knowing it’s going to take time. What other ideas or tips do you have for someone who has that hard and harder or has gotten into that position where this is resonating with them-

Mika Perry: Yeah I have to give credit to [inaudible] I linked it in my blog post to her posts. I think that would be great if you are curious about that specifics because right now I can’t remember off the top of my head what those were, but they were wonderful.

Russ Perry: I will share from the guy side, don’t expect a quick resolution. I mean years-

Mika Perry: You can’t fix it.

Russ Perry: Yeah. And the guys like, us guys we want to fix it, here’s the plan, show me that steps. How is it like what do I need to do? Mika, tell me how can you forgive me? What are the five things I need to do so you forgive me? And it doesn’t work like that. And I remember through this process we would have great highs and then all of a sudden you would be super pissed and it took years. I think it took more than two years for you to fully forgive and it wasn’t until that point could we then start building the relationship that we have today. So for any guy who’s out there listening, this isn’t going to be something that happens quickly. It’s not gonna be easy, it’s not going to come without a lot of sacrifice and a lot of challenge and you’re going to work for years just to get to baseline before you can then build on top of that. And I say this for addiction problems in a marriage due to addiction or problems in her marriage due to affair or if you’re super lucky, like I was both, lucky guy. A ton of building to do, but I do know once we hit that baseline several years in that 2014, 2015 timeline, that’s when things took off to where we are today. And that’s been two plus years of a journey. Seems like it’s been decades.

Mika Perry: I know I, it seems like a really long … When I think about it was like, wow, that is pretty recent and I wonder if people hearing that might be like, well then who are you to sit here and talk about, but again, we’re not here to give you advice, but just our story.

Russ Perry: Share the story.

Mika Perry: And that this can happen as early or as late in your marriage, and thank God it happened early on. I am so grateful it happened when we research that little baby and not when they’re older, so that’s something that we, I would count a blessing.

Russ Perry: We would have not been requited have a marriage that lasts decades.

Mika Perry: No.

Russ Perry: With who we were and what we knew going through what we’ve done, going through what we’ve gone through and getting to where we’re at truly is till death do us part because we have that foundation.

Mika Perry: It’s so different now. Before, pre affair post a fair prediction post addiction, so pre I would’ve never in a million years imagined the life we have now and for anyone in currently in that painful situation it might suck to hear that someone else’s happy, but I want them to know that that happiness is available for them too. It really is. You’ve got to unharden your heart. You have to get really uncomfortable. Every podcast I listened to, every wellness tip, everything is like you have to get fitness, you have to get uncomfortable before it gets good, otherwise, you will not grow. And so we grew and we grew up together and separately as individuals, right?

Russ Perry: Yeah, and I think that’s why we’re doing this today.

Mika Perry: Yeah.

Russ Perry: It’s just start to share that, to share deep stuff like this, to share lighter stuff as will have in future episodes and to help people get uncomfortable how people grow as a couple and to allow them to see what we’ve done and I always from day one, I mean from the book to the blog post to this podcast is how can we just share those moments in our past to help prevent others from it. We can never prevent anyone from heartache or heartbreak or challenges, but at least catch them at a point that can put them on the right trajectory before they have to hit the rock bottom of rock bottom or before it’s unsalvageable.

Mika Perry: One thing I want to touch is when you talked about, Hey for guys it’s not a quick fix. One thing we learned about ourselves in therapy and going through this process, I am much more of a stoic, closed off. I don’t want to talk about my feelings person. And Russ is the opposite. He grew up with a very emotional, talkative family and I didn’t-

Russ Perry: You didn’t say all women.

Mika Perry: All women yeah.

Russ Perry: [crosstalk] raised by virtual ladies.

Mika Perry: And I didn’t talk about my feelings growing up. So I remember going into counseling. It was like, Whoa, it’s kind of like roles are reversed because the stereotype is that, the guy doesn’t want to talk in this closed off. For us it was the opposite. So I had a lot of growing and learning to do, to talk and communicate about my feelings. I didn’t really, I’m a candid person, I don’t mind people knowing things about me, but it was just that it was uncomfortable for me to talk.

I’d rather be like, it’s fine, it’s whatever. It’s okay. And I process things internally. So for me to actually like say it out loud was really uncomfortable. So that was a learning experience for me. Also at love languages we learned, I think that’s huge.

Russ Perry: What’s love languages?

Mika Perry: So the five love languages at the book, I’m sure there’s more resources out there on it. Everyone has a language, quote unquote in which they speak love and they listen and hear and receive love. So it’s quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts and acts of service. So those are the five love languages. It applies to adults in relationship. And then also kids, which is really interesting. So if you are familiar with love languages, you might not be familiar that there’s a book out there on the kids-

Russ Perry: The kid’s version yeah.

Mika Perry: … on your children’s. How do they, because you’re kind of born, it’s like a personality trait.
So it’s really important to find that out so that you can show them love in the language that they understand. So for us, mine is acts of service and gifts and Russ, yours is physical touch and-

Russ Perry: Quality time.

Mika Perry: Quality tim, words of affirmation.

Russ Perry: I just love anything from you whatever I can get-

Mika Perry: Anything I can, Yeah, you’ll take it. So learning that, I would give gifts to Russ and I would clean things up and do things for him, but that’s really not his love language. So I would have to not have to, but spend time together to physical touch.

Russ Perry: Forced to.

Mika Perry: Forced the hugs, these are things I had to learn to do because they were not my language. So then it converse, Russ when he gives me a gift, I wouldn’t say I’m a materialistic person, but I just love giving and getting gifts. I’ve just always loved it and that’s my love language. And even with my kids, I do things like for Maddox, I do so many things.

Russ Perry: This morning today we were recording this on Valentine’s Day and it was beautiful what you did for them.

Mika Perry: Guess Galore.

Russ Perry: Guess Galore, but you know what is interesting, back to the love languages of kids is Reese is a lot more in line with your love language and she definitely was-

Mika Perry: The most excited.

Russ Perry: The most excited-

Mika Perry: That’s so true.

Russ Perry: and you know that-

Mika Perry: too. So she doesn’t know what’s going on. She just wants candy. But Maddix, hers is, I would say quality time.

Russ Perry: Right.

Mika Perry: For sure. So us being there together as a family this morning was important to her, but the gifts and the things aren’t really for her. So anyway.

Russ Perry: But I understanding that back to your point, I think what I learned from the love languages as you’re looking and seeing like how do I either soften the heart or prevent that hardening is understanding those love languages for your partner is mission critical because that was really foreign to us.

Mika Perry: It was.

Russ Perry: And I think a great example, was the quality time. We would always go on trips. We still do go on trips, but those are, I would like, hey, happy birthday, here’s this trip to wherever. And you’re like, well, it’s nice, but not necessarily your love language and now we do both.

Mika Perry: We do both.

Russ Perry: I’ll give you gifts and go on trips, but that I think is a great point and definitely a great book, The Five Love Languages, if you’ve not checked that out, it’s a classic for sure.

Mika Perry: Totally. But a lot of people are unfamiliar with it. So important to mention it here because it really helped us.

Russ Perry: Well, the blog post. Thank you for writing and It was. I had never heard you talk about all of this from that perspective and I think it was something for me that I was amazingly proud of you for and proud of us for that not only could you do that, but it was something that I shared and it was excited for and I know just was a great exclamation point. A good one, a positive exclamation point for everything that we’ve been through.

Mika Perry: I always try to keep my social media, my blog posts, just life in general positive. That’s definitely something that is a trait of you. You are the most positive person I know through it all and so that attracted me to you, still does, but I enjoy positivity. So in that Instagram post, when I announced that I had this blog post to go read, it was I wanted to focus on that we were in a good place and it was positive and my pictures are showing happy things and it’s not because I want to pretend like everything’s perfect, it’s not you guys.
But I want to focus on the positive. That’s why I do it and that’s for me, my authentic self-will.

Russ Perry: Well that’s it. This is one of our first episodes and if you haven’t checked it out, go read Mika’s blog post. It’s pretty amazing. She’s an amazing writer. If I do say so myself.

Mika Perry: There’s also one now on step parenting I recently put up. If you are a step parent, go check out.

Russ Perry: And any organizing ones for listeners?

Mika Perry: Yes, some of my quick easy organizing tips for like even a basket and you just never know what might inspire others. And I’ve been inspired by so many other quick tips so.

Russ Perry: Mika is much better writer than I, she writes in a much more concise way and so check it out Mikaperry.com, and if you are listening to this podcast for the first time, we’d love you to subscribe and leave us a review, but that’s about it for this episode of GOOD TO BE HOME.

Mika Perry: All right.

Russ Perry: Thanks. Bye.

Mika Perry: Bye.

Russ Perry: Thanks for listening to this episode of GOOD TO BE HOME.

Mika Perry: And don’t forget to subscribe on iTunes and give us a rating.

Russ Perry: See you next time.