Today’s show is all about the Five Love Languages, what they are, and how to understand them.
On today’s podcast, we are talking about love languages.
This is a topic that Russ and Mika bring up quite a bit on this show, and it is based on a book called The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman.
In that book, Chapman proposes that each of us speaks our own love languages, and the secret to having long-lasting, healthy relationships is learning how to speak to your partner in their own language.
These ideas have informed Russ and Mika’s relationship throughout their marriage, and even their relationships with their children.
On this week’s episode, we’ll be talking about what each of these languages are, what they mean, and how understanding them has made a tremendous difference in our lives.
In this episode, you will learn:
• What the five love languages are.
• Which love languages we speak.
• How you can find out what your love languages are.
• The different love languages that our children speak and how we identified them.
Mentioned in this episode:
• Russ Perry on Instagram
• Mika Perry on Instagram
• The Sober Entrepreneur by Russ Perry
• The Russ Perry Show
• Episode #40: The Blog Post Revisted
• The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman
• The Martha Manual by Martha Stewart
• From Crook to Cook by Snoop Dogg
• Signs of Success Podcast
• The Alter Ego Effect book by Todd Herman
• Relaxed Tencel Shirt for Women – Old Navy
• “Cream” by Haruki Murakami
• Travis Scott – SICKO MODE (Skrillex Remix)
• Bulletproof Coffee
• Dave Asprey
• Discover Your Love Language
• Dena Patton
• The 5 Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman
Do you have questions, comments or suggestions for this show? Send us an email at Hello@GoodtoBeHomePodcast.com!
Russ Perry: I’m Russ Perry.
Mika Perry: I’m Mika Perry. You’re listening to Good To Be Home.
Russ Perry: Good To Be Home is a weekly exploration of entrepreneurship, family, marriage, sobriety, and how we balance our business and life.
Mika Perry: From our family to yours. Thanks for joining us and welcome to our home.
Russ Perry: Hey, everyone. Welcome to another episode of Good To Be Home. I’m your cohost Russ Perry.
Mika Perry: I am Mika Perry.
Russ Perry: Mika, I’m so excited to be spending some quality time with you today.
Mika Perry: Thanks. Today we are talking about love languages. This is something that has been super important to us and it has really informed our relationship and our marriage and even in parenting too. I’m really excited to get into this topic that we have mentioned on previous episodes. You’ll learn why one of Russ’ love languages is quality time. We’ll also share what mine are and also our children as well.
Russ Perry: Do you know that this entire podcast was just engineered so that I can spend more time with you?
Mika Perry: Not this episode.
Russ Perry: The whole project.
Mika Perry: Good To Be Home?
Russ Perry: Good To Be Home. It’s like a secret way for us to hang out more.
Mika Perry: Yeah, it is. It’s like our weekly daytime date.
Russ Perry: Daytime date.
Mika Perry: Yeah.
Russ Perry: Awesome. Well, before we get there, we are going to jump into our list of what we’re reading, listening, eating and loving. Mika, just so the listeners know, you’ve updated the way that we disseminate this information and you can go goodtobehomepodcast.com, put in your email and get a personalized, incredibly well-written weekly recap.
Mika Perry: Monthly.
Russ Perry: Sorry, monthly.
Mika Perry: Monthly recap.
Russ Perry: Monthly recap on the best from these lists. If you miss a couple episodes or if you’re not writing it down, do not fret.
Mika Perry: Yup, all you have to do is put in that email and I will send it to you in a really handy list with all the links if you want to try anything out yourself at the end of every month.
Russ Perry: Right. I do a ton of copywriting in my business. We write a lot of emails and I do have to say, I wish you work for Design Pickle because you really write great emails.
Mika Perry: Thank you.
Russ Perry: They’re very thoughtfully written.
Mika Perry: I put time into them.
Russ Perry: I know you do because it’ll be like 11 at night. You’re like, should I send it? Should I hit the button?
Mika Perry: All right.
Russ Perry: Go ahead, Mika, take us away.
Mika Perry: All right, for this week I am reading The Martha Manual, The Martha Manual, and by Martha I mean Martha Stewart. One of my, gosh, heroes, I guess you could say.
Russ Perry: Is she rebranded? Is she just Martha now?
Mika Perry: No, but I think it’s kind of like, I don’t know, Obama or Snoop, or Kanye.
Russ Perry: You know her and Snoop Dogg are buddies.
Mika Perry: Yes. They wrote a cookbook together or he wrote a cookbook. Did you know that? You know what? Maybe you guys will hear that on my upcoming reading list is that I’m reading Snoop Dogg’s cookbook.
Russ Perry: Our new coffee table book.
Mika Perry: Let me get back to The Martha Manual, which is a compendium of tips and information on everything from organizing, to gardening, to fixing things around the home and cleaning. Homemaking is something that I just generally love. I love it. I love sharing about it and there’s some great tips on here, but I was very encouraged to see that a lot of the things that she does. For example, she takes off shoes in the home following having been to Japan and seeing that custom. That’s something we do at our house and she does it too.
Russ Perry: I love that. You once described to me you’re like, you walk around outside and God knows what you’re stepping in and then you walk in your house and people who don’t take off the shoes bring all of that around. It was like branded on my head on how dirty that was.
Mika Perry: Yeah, and not just dirt but pesticides to chemicals. I mean just think of it, it’s the ground and then you sit on a couch or walk around your carpet and then you lie down on your carpet.
Russ Perry: If you have a pet and you walk around and take it out to the park, think of all the other pets done their thing there.
Mika Perry: Exactly. Right?
Russ Perry: Yup.
Mika Perry: Okay. Martha Manual, I think you would actually enjoy reading this, Russ. There are some things about tools and fixing.
Russ Perry: Do you think she actually does it all?
Mika Perry: She used to, probably not anymore, but I think she still does some things. She lives a very incredible idyllic life. Anyway. All right. Listening. I listened to an episode of The Science of Success. This is a podcast I’ve mentioned before and it was an interview with Todd Herman, who by the way is one of the speakers at the upcoming Traffic and Conversion convention that you are speaking at Russ.
Russ Perry: Yes.
Mika Perry: Yeah, so I’m really excited. I hope we can meet him backstage or something because this episode was really great. He wrote a book about alter ego and it discussed the difference between faking it till you make it, like that idea versus using things inside of you and bringing that alter ego that you want to encourage and strengthen in your life out. It doesn’t mean that you’re living fake. It means that, for example, he has like a young face he said and as he started to speak more and get up in front of people more, he felt not as confident because he thought people viewed him as not as experienced or wise just because of the way he looked. He decided to like Superman, like Clark Kent, put on glasses every time he went on stage, non prescription so that he could channel that inner strength that he had. He is wise. He is able to speak on this, but just to give himself some more confidence. I really like that because it reminded me of an episode I listened to on a different podcast about getting ready in the morning. Also, if you work from home to make sure you get ready and put on regular clothes, not your pajama. It’s to bring out those aspects of the strengths and the personalities you have inside of you to execute on whatever you have going on.
Russ Perry: It’s like a real world reminder of what mode you need to shift in.
Mika Perry: Uh-huh (affirmative). Yeah, which I really like.
Russ Perry: Like a red light or a green light. Do I stop or do I go? I put on the glasses, okay, now it’s time to be in this mode.
Mika Perry: Exactly. Eating. I love beverages. You guys already know. All beverages as long as it doesn’t have alcohol in it, I’m all about it. My mint tea, this morning I looked at my desk and I had my tumbler of prepared cold brew mint tea that I’ve mentioned in my stories and Instagram a lot. Also, I went to Starbucks this morning and my treat is a peppermint, a skinny peppermint mocha made with almond milk and so that’s what I was drinking this morning. Lots of mint going on and it was delicious. Finally, loving. I recently posted on my stories a shirt that I got from Old Navy. It’s a button up, it’s made out of tensile. I love a good button up and this is such a great deal. I’ll try to throw this back on stories again or link it somewhere, but if you need a button up, go to Old Navy, it was like $35 or something.
Russ Perry: Amazing.
Mika Perry: It was really cute and comfortable. Tensile is great because it doesn’t wrinkle.
Russ Perry: Is that like chambray?
Mika Perry: Chambray. The color is chambray, yes, but tensile is actually I think almost a trademarked or copyrighted word just like Spandex.
Russ Perry: Gore-Tex.
Mika Perry: Yeah, exactly. Anyway.
Russ Perry: Or Kleenex.
Mika Perry: Yeah. No, but you know what I mean.
Russ Perry: Great.
Mika Perry: You’re understanding what I’m laying out.
Russ Perry: That’s a great shirt.
Mika Perry: Thanks. Go ahead.
Russ Perry: You know I never go to Old Navy but when you bring me things from it, I like them all.
Mika Perry: Yeah, I was there buying a new spring like pre spring clothes for the girls. It’s a great place for kids because they grow out of things so quickly. I’ve talked to my friends about this. Sometimes Old Navy stuff is so cheap and awful and you never want to wear it but there will be moments of like nuggets like this where you find something that does not look cheap. The fabric is great, the fit is great. You’re like, wow. You just find little treasures.
Russ Perry: Nice. All right, well, what am I reading this week? I’m reading a article in The New Yorker called, “Cream,” by Haruki Murakami translated by Dr. Phil Gabriel, who if you all don’t know is my father-in-law, Mika’s dad. He’s a pretty renowned translator, especially for this author. Mika, I don’t know the last time you read like highbrow fiction, which is basically this. It was very like different. I’m used to reading business books. I’m used to reading stuff online, which is like quick consumables and you can’t quickly consume this kind of content but I loved it and great work, Phil, for your translations. What was really interesting about this article, it was like this article all about how sometimes random things like life just happens and we always try to assign meaning or purpose or figure out why. Sometimes there’s just like, there’s no explanation and that’s okay too. You shouldn’t worry about it. It was cool. I liked it a lot. What am I listening to? Well, everybody loves Jacques Berman Webster II, don’t you?
Mika Perry: Nope.
Russ Perry: Travis Scott, AKA Travis Scott.
Mika Perry: From Blink 182?
Russ Perry: No, no, no. He’s an Atlanta rapper, he played at the Superbowl halftime show alongside of Maroon 5.
Mika Perry: I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.
Russ Perry: No? Okay. Well, he has an awesome song called Sicko Mode and Skrillex did a remix of it recently.
Mika Perry: That I know.
Russ Perry: Yeah, you know Skrillex, you’re a big EDM fan.
Mika Perry: I am.
Speaker 3: (singing)
Russ Perry: It’s a great tune. It’s like a more chill one. I really am down for that. Sicko Mode is an older song relatively speaking, but the remix is fantastic. What am I eating? It’s not a new thing. I’m calling it modified bulletproof coffee. Bulletproof coffee really trended hard about 10 years ago, maybe a little bit less. Dave Asprey effectively started putting butter in coffee and what it really is is about high fat. I’m having most mornings a modified bulletproof coffee where I have my Ancient Organics Ghee, two pulls of espresso from the Nespresso machine, pea protein, a couple of tablespoons. A little bit of almond milk and a couple of tablespoons of collagen creamer, which I just discovered in our cabinet that you bought. I don’t know where it came from.
Mika Perry: It’s from Vital Proteins.
Russ Perry: Vital Proteins. Mix it together in the Vitamix. It’s like a really frothy breakfast almost and tons of energy for the morning. I really like that.
Mika Perry: You had been doing bulletproof for, you took a break, but I remember you started doing it years ago when it came out and you told me that you saw bulletproof branded at a coffee shop but it wasn’t. Didn’t you emailed Dave Asprey and he emailed you back?
Russ Perry: I was at Tattle Tale. Yeah, I was at Tattle Tale. There was a company not using their product and using the trademark name. I narc them out. He sent me free product.
Mika Perry: Nice. That was before you saw bulletproof everywhere.
Russ Perry: Right.
Mika Perry: As a branded product.
Russ Perry: Well, they got venture capital money to become a supplement company. They’ve done a great job and their products is actually, it’s really good quality. There’s a lot of arguments on the science behind it, but what I found with a high fat morning like that is that I’m not ravenously hungry for lunchtime and thus my eating is a little more stable throughout the day. I’m not just like, because I’ve had something significant but it’s not heavy like eggs and bacon or cereal or a bunch of fruits or vegetables. It’s really easy to grab that, make that and be on the way. All right. What am I loving? Well Mika, I’m loving you. I’m loving you because I have been traveling again. I’m on the road and you have been just super supportive of that. From my trip to Japan recently, to California, to Hawaii. It’s been quite a journey the last two or three weeks. I couldn’t do it without you. I just want to say thank you for that.
Mika Perry: You’re welcome.
Russ Perry: You do a really great job and all the kiddos seem happy and healthy. Maybe you’re hiding a lot from me, but-
Mika Perry: Well, no, I do send you the text messages that are like word vomit.
Russ Perry: I do get a couple of those and I just listen. I try not to give advice but-
Mika Perry: I’ll text Russ and then feel like the kids are crazy. Reese is screaming about her homework. Paige just spilled the diffuser all over me. Maddox is whatever, not doing her chores. I’ll just vent to you and now you just write back, “That sucks.”
Russ Perry: Just listening, just listening.
Mika Perry: I’m like, thanks. I guess it’s better than you trying to like fix it from a far.
Russ Perry: All right, we’re going to jump into love languages. Mika, you actually, I think you bring this up more than I do when we’re talking to people on the podcast, but put it in context. We first discovered the love languages book by-
Mika Perry: Gary Chapman.
Russ Perry: Gary Chapman, because we were going through our challenges post affair. Want to learn more about that? Well, go to goodtobehomepodcast.com and search for the blog post.
Mika Perry: That’s the title of the episode in which we kind of candidly share about our struggles in marriage.
Russ Perry: Right. After that, we’re on the mend, we’re going to pretty regular marriage counseling and we discovered this book and it totally unlocked a ton of awareness around how we were interacting with each other, how we weren’t interacting with each other. This concept that we all in any relationship, romantic, parental, even in friendships have a primary love language.
Mika Perry: Exactly.
Russ Perry: Why don’t you explain the general concept?
Mika Perry: In this book, the five love languages, it goes into detail of these five. Everyone has a primary love language and it is the way in which you show and receive love. It’s a form of communication, that’s why it’s called love languages. The five love languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, quality time, and gifts.
Russ Perry: Right. When we were going through this, I mean they’re all pretty self-explanatory on what those are. What we realized, especially earlier on in our marriage was that I was always communicating with you in terms of how I wanted to show you affection, how I wanted to show you I cared in the love language that I value the most.
Mika Perry: That you spoke.
Russ Perry: Right. We went on a lot of trips, we did a lot of things together. There was a very high emphasis on those things and similarly, you were very thoughtful and kind and giving and spending time and helping. We had Maddox at a young age and you were always in the acts of service with her and doing a lot of stuff there. It became aware afterwards and when we were like really studying this concept that if I really wanted it for you to feel loved more I needed to communicate in your own love language and vice versa.
Mika Perry: Yours is quality time and physical touch. Mine are gifts and acts of service. They’re completely different. The way you find out is there’s actually a really easy quiz online. You can just go to the 5lovelanguages.com. We’ll put that in the show notes here. It will reveal to you what your primary love language is. It may surprise you, it may make total sense. You’re like, I already know. I think we knew going in what they could be just reading the book and learning more. Once you take the test you will know. Then it’s great clarity and I love how you said unlock, Russ. It really unlocks a new way of relating it to those that you love in your life.
Russ Perry: Right. What’s really surprising too, at least in our experience was it’s like whatever your love languages are, your primary love languages, they’re weighted so much higher than the other ones. A great example is, I remember maybe we were in an argument or fighting or something or had a conflict and I was like, “What’s something I can do to improve or help?” You’re like, “Make the bed every day. Make the bed.” I was like, “Really? That’s important to you? Make the bed.” I think, you know, like pretty much now for years I always make my best attempt. I think the only times I don’t is either when there’s like a really late morning or we’re changing the sheets or something. To me, it’s like such a silly thing but to you it’s like this was important acts of service.
Mika Perry: It means so much to me. If one of your love languages is acts of service, you will be the type that if someone does the dishes or they clean or they bring you a cup of coffee, an act of service makes you feel loved. You feel the love. Now yours Russ is physical touch.
Russ Perry: Right.
Mika Perry: When I give you a hug like in the middle of the day or whenever.
Russ Perry: Anything.
Mika Perry: Anytime, you’ll take it all.
Russ Perry: Any form of affection.
Mika Perry: It is not my love language, but when I give it to you, you react in that same way that I react when you make the bed. It’s like, “Oh, thank you Mika.” You literally say it out loud. You say, “Mika, this is so nice.” To me I’m like, it’s just a hug.
Russ Perry: Like I’m touching your skin weird.
Mika Perry: Yeah.
Russ Perry: Well, I just had a breakthrough that I’ve never even thought about it. I think this is why I like quality time and physical touch as a combo is because for you and I intimacy is very challenging with kids and the business and all of this kind of stuff. We don’t get time to just sit around and get cozy and cuddle and watch a movie on a Tuesday night or whatever, but when we go out and go on a trip and have this break from our normal day to day, the moments of relaxation where we can have some time to literally sit together, watch a movie, have a romantic night without coming home just right back into the mix of everything, it’s connected. I associate like, okay, I want more physical touch time with Mika, we got to get the heck out of the house. We got to go do something and get away.
Mika Perry: Yeah, that’s a really good point. When I’m thinking about my two love languages, gifts and acts of service, they’re both of a giving nature. Gifts is a type of service. I will mention with gifts, if that is your primary love language, you might think like I did like, wow that is so shallow, gifts is my love language. It is mentioned as one of them because it’s an important one and it really is a form of communicating to others that you are thinking of them, that you love them, going out of your way. Again, tying a little bit to acts of service. Also, when someone does it for me, when they give me a gift like you Russ or anyone else, it means something to me. It’s a visual and tangible representation of love. It doesn’t have to be expensive. It doesn’t have to be big. It can be very small, but it means something to me.
Russ Perry: What’s the most memorable gift I’ve ever given you besides the gift of marriage or children?
Mika Perry: I think recently the last Mother’s Day when you got me that Hermès bag. I remember going downstairs and seeing that box and I gasped. Remember when I came around the corner and I went, I was so excited.
Russ Perry: Okay. You’re very clear on your styles and things you like.
Mika Perry: I am very clear. Yeah. I don’t like surprises, and I like gifts. If you can imagine that means I’m pretty specific on like, “Hey, if you ever give me a gift, I wanted this size and in this color.”
Russ Perry: It does make life a bit easier for gift giver.
Mika Perry: I think it’s important in a marriage if you’re talking about gifts or acts of service is don’t have expectations. Be very clear because you might be disappointed. We’re not mind readers, you know?
Russ Perry: Another concept, and I think this is an important one that I, how I interpret this, and it is I think mentioned in ways of people who’ve studied this book is I also look at the love languages as like gas tanks of fuel, of energy. We have all of them in our life but there are some that really fuel us and we can go for longer periods of time with not a lot if we pour into those tanks. On the flip side of all of this, with people who are struggling, which I know we frequently have listeners who are in a tougher part, tougher season of their marriage or their relationships, the quickest way to identify where to begin in terms of turning that around is to look at where those tanks are empty because more often than not, what’s happened in a relationship and it happened in ours is we were both operating in our own love languages unaware that that was different than our partners.
Here I am caring the most about quality time and physical touch and every day, every week, every month that tank gets lower and lower, lower, and then I’m just operating on fumes. That’s where frustration, resentment, sedation, all of those things come into play, which then can lead to more severe things. It’s important. It’s not just the language of like a language language, it’s really how that other person is fueled. If you’re not conscious of it, it’s like running out of gas. You’ve ran out of gas many times and it’s totally disruptive and dangerous and problematic. That’s the same for us in the relationships. You’d never truly want those tanks to get empty because that’s the starting point of the really tough challenges that can go on in a marriage.
Mika Perry: You’re setting yourself up for a harder time. From a practical point and an efficiency point, knowing your partner or whomever your family member, friends’ love language is super efficient and effective because you know the best way to tell them and show them and make them feel loved. It goes the other way too. When you know it and you express, you know, I’m acts of service person, I’m a gifts person, that lets that other person know, hey, I’m not going to waste time trying to spend all this quality time or give this person a bunch of hugs because it’s going to mean a lot less than if I were to do something for them or give them something.
Russ Perry: Yeah, those bunches of hugs.
Mika Perry: Those bunches of hugs mean nothing to me. It makes me sound so cold. Here’s one thing I will say is that we all have a little bit of all these. Who doesn’t love words of affirmation? Good job. I love you. That was great. That feels good to everyone. A hug does feel good to even me, a nonphysical touch person. Quality time, of course, I love spending quality time with those that I love. We have all of these, but we should note that it’s just like you have a primary one.
Russ Perry: Now, this was a new step in after we discovered it for ourselves. I don’t remember exactly. I think maybe even our counselor said, “Oh yeah, there’s love languages for children’s book.”
Mika Perry: It was our business coach, Dena Patton.
Russ Perry: Okay, Dena Patton. This was a few years later and we feel like we’re pros at this and then we discover, oh yeah, they’ve spun off a kid series and it was really exciting because we knew the concepts, but immediately when we read it and went through it, boom, boom, boom, we could see the exact same things apply for the kids. The exact same challenges apply for the kids. I love these kinds of interactions and these love languages. My kids are different and we’re not connecting because we’re not speaking the same love language.
Mika Perry: We have three daughters. We have Maddox who’s 13, Reese who is six, almost seven. Can you believe it? Her birthday is in May. Paige who is three. Their love languages we have identified is quality time and physical touch for Maddox just like you Russ.
Russ Perry: I know.
Mika Perry: Reese, gifts and quality time. You notice that Reese and I have the similar love language in gifts. Paige, acts of service and physical touch. Now, most of this you will find out about your kids, about children from observation. I can’t have Paige take a quiz on what fulfills her. That’s not going to happen with a three year old. In fact, when we started thinking about our kids, they were younger. Paige was a baby, Maddox was younger, yet starting with Maddox, then Reese, we were able to observe their reactions to the things that we did for them and the ways that they treated other people, ourselves, each other, their friends. You can just as a parent observe these things and figure it out. That’s what we did. These are their primary and secondary love languages.
Russ Perry: Right. Good example is Reese would love, like every time I travel and like I have some necklaces I got from my most recent trips, shell necklaces from Hawaii. You can give her a rock, which actually I did get a rock too. I got volcanic rock, it’s kind of a cool one. She’s very like, thank you, thoughtful. Give it to Maddox, she’s very respectful and thankful like thank you but then you’ll find it under some dirty laundry and it’s clearly like not at all front of mind. However, Maddie would love to sit with you and watch Avatar, The Last Airbender, and just be there close to you watching it and connecting with you in that way.
Mika Perry: Just standing next to you and wanting to talk or spend time.
Russ Perry: Paige, her number one game is for you to sit at her play kitchen and for her to just endlessly serve you dishes of all sorts of combinations like corn with a hamburger patty in a hotdog bun.
Mika Perry: With Maddox, hers is quality time and physical touch. It’s easy for Russ because it’s the same.
Russ Perry: Right.
Mika Perry: You guys are very close and you fill each other’s tanks simultaneously because you’re speaking the same love language. You’re on a very similar wavelength. For her and I, it’s different just like it’s different for you and I, Russ. I used to do things for her all the time and I would give her gifts and be a little disappointed because they were like, oh either not well-received at all or she didn’t care. It kind of hurt my feelings that I would do these things or go out of my way with a gift and she would just have it on the floor or not care or lose it. I realized it’s just because that wasn’t how she was feeling loved but then I would like sit in the car with her and talk or we’d go shopping together and like you could see that lights her up. You can just watch and see. For Reese, when I would give her gifts she would say, “Mom, thank you so much for this. I know this means a lot.” Like those are the words as a four, five, six year old she would say. You would see her light up with gifts. Same with quality time. She does like spending time and playing games together.
She’s a little kid and kids definitely need that quality time because as children, just by nature they need time with those that love them. They need a lot of love and that’s a good thing. Reese, I know responds to gifts so it’s easy for me and that’s also how she’s motivated. For chores, money and gifts and things that she can go to Target and buy for herself as a reward is good for her. She is encouraged by that. Whereas Maddox is not because physical objects, tangible things don’t mean as much to her. Now Paige, you mentioned the kitchen, that’s her favorite thing and she is also our only daughter who has expressed interest in dolls and babies from a very, very young age. She’s still young, but she loves on her babies and that’s unique. You can tell that okay, taking care of something and someone is important to her because that’s how she’s showing these little toys that she loves them. Also, physical touch for Paige because she is the snuggliest one of our daughters. Those are just the clues that give us some insight into her potential, but pretty sure they are her love languages.
Russ Perry: For me, she’s always like, of all the girls too, she’s always wanting me to like put her on my shoulders and carry her and move her around and like be physically right there with her like to a point of exhaustion sometimes. I’m like walking around cleaning the kitchen with her just on my shoulders, just like it’s a hat. She’s like a hat that’s like a 30 pound weight pack but it’s very deliberate like she loves being in that proximity.
Mika Perry: If you have children or maybe you work with children, I would highly suggest reading this book, the five languages of children and looking into this because it really informs the way you love on your children and the kids that you work with it. It again makes it more efficient and effective and clear and unlocks that power that you have to show love to these kids that need that to grow and thrive. It also helps you, for example, like at Christmas time or birthdays to tailor what you do for them in ways that is most meaningful to them. Reese loves gifts, for example, Valentine’s Day. She’s the one that is so excited about the gifts and little things that are on the table and the balloons and lights up with that. Whereas Maddox is happy that we’re just all sitting there together celebrating something together and Paige is running around. I don’t know.
Russ Perry: Now, for the guys out there listening to this, I’ve learned that this is an efficiency play too. When you know your love languages of the people around you, your family, your significant others, your children, your coworkers even, it ends up being a lot easier to connect with them with less time, with less effort, with less energy. I’m a constant over committer. Hands down. I always am over committing. I’m like battling my calendar every single week to do less and that’s because I value quality time. When someone reaches out to me or they want to meet or they want to connect or they want to talk like I’m all about it, like yes, let’s do it, because for me that is where I’m at. What I failed to recognize is that even in those situations, that may not be the best way for me to connect with people, that maybe there is another way that I can share what I’m doing or connecting with them in a different way. Specifically with the family, just more time with the kids doesn’t mean I’m connecting with them more.
For busy entrepreneurial family, male or female, doesn’t matter, you might feel like, oh I got to spend more time with them. It becomes this real big stress in your life because you don’t have time. You have all these things going on. Understanding what the love languages are, you can pinpoint, well if I can spend time with them here, but if I can also do acts of service or a gift or a deep one single afternoon, that’s a really, really deep quality time versus 20, 30 minutes every single day of the week, that’s going to go a lot further and it’s less is more kind of mentality with that. For you and I, I feel like I see you off and on in waves depending on work and travel and kids schedules. I know that’s 100% the case. If I can really dial in and speak your love languages, actually I have to focus on you less because those moments are much deeper and richer than if I’m just trying to scramble and put, “What do I got to do? I want to be with Mika, I haven’t done anything with her, I haven’t seen her or what am I going to do?” I just piece something together without being conscious of what you prefer.
Mika Perry: It helps you make a smarter decision. That’s interesting you mentioned about the overcommitment of time, because for me, I do that because of acts of service. My love language of that is that I want to do things for people and so I over commit and I say yes if it’s a moment for me to serve someone. That’s something that I have really definitely the last year or so have worked hard to do.
Russ Perry: I think for our audience, it’s safe to say we have a lot of entrepreneurial mindset. People that listen to Good To Be Home, there is a point of diminishing returns of when you’re always speaking your own love language, always doing acts of service, acts of service, acts of service. Like for you Mika, volunteering with the girls’ classrooms and doing all of that stuff. Yeah, it matters and you want to be present, but is it making a tremendously more impact than one time a month versus five times a month? I don’t know. I think it can easily take away from other things or other relationships or other obligations. Just more of a word of caution. Once you understand these concepts, look at how you’re spending your time and make sure you’re not over delivering in your primary areas at the detriment of other relationships or other commitments.
Mika Perry: You can see that love languages helps you in your relationship, in your marriage. It can help you in your family and it can help you in your business and the way that you spend your days. It’s a pretty powerful tool. We dedicated a whole episode to this topic. It’s actually been on our list of podcast topics for a while now because we’ve been mentioning it from the start, but we’re really happy that we got to sit down and go in and deep with you on this topic because we really highly recommend reading this book, taking the quiz, reading the kids book if you have kids or work with kids at all. It is absolutely beneficial and very insightful.
Russ Perry: Absolutely. We’d love to hear about what your love language is. If you do take the quiz or you share it with your family or maybe this has been something that you’re all about too. Let’s hear it. Let’s hear lessons learned, what you’ve discovered in the areas, what your actual love languages are or combinations with your partner. You can email us firstname.lastname@example.org to do so. Mika answers those emails.
Mika Perry: I do.
Russ Perry: She forwards them to me when they’re relevant, but we love hearing and it’s just good to know how you’re hearing what we’re saying and getting that feedback from us.
Mika Perry: If you enjoyed this episode, we would love a rating or a review on iTunes. That really helps us grow this podcast so we can continue talking about these topics on family, business, balance, and sharing it with others is awesome too because the bigger our audience grows, the bigger we can grow in this work that we do and offer you more.
Russ Perry: Right. When you share it, if it’s an act of service, you’re an act of service, you’re sharing it with someone. If you’re quality time, you can listen to this podcast with someone. I’ll just leave it at that.
Mika Perry: Gifts.
Russ Perry: If it’s gifts.
Mika Perry: A gift to me would be a review.
Russ Perry: There you go. If gift is your thing, what about we’ll leave it at that.
Mika Perry: You can’t physical touch.
Russ Perry: It gets kind of creepy, stalkery with this, but we don’t want that. Thanks a lot everyone. Thanks for listening. We’ll see you next week on Good To Be Home. Have a great week.
Mika Perry: Bye.
Russ Perry: Thanks for listening to this episode of Good To Be Home.
Mika Perry: Don’t forget to subscribe on iTunes and give us a rating.
Russ Perry: See you next time.