On this week’s podcast, we are opening up about conflicts in our marriage and sharing strategies for conflict resolution.
Today’s episode is all about conflict resolution.
In particular, Russ and Mika are talking about the actual things that cause the two of them to fight, and how they handle those situations.
This is a special episode because not only do the two of them share tips for resolving conflicts, you can actually hear Russ and Mika work through some of their own specific problems on this podcast.
You’ll hear about conflicts regarding parenting, finance, intimacy and more.
In this episode, you will learn:
• The source of some of the conflicts in Russ and Mika’s marriage.
• Why you shouldn’t avoid conflict.
• The importance of addressing an issue before it becomes a conflict.
• Tools you can use for resolving conflicts in your own relationships.
Mentioned in this episode:
• Russ Perry on Instagram
• Mika Perry on Instagram
• The Sober Entrepreneur by Russ Perry
• The Russ Perry Show
• Martha Stewart Magazine
• Better Homes & Gardens
• INC Magazine
• Fast Company
• Autumn’s Gold Grain Free Granola
• The Tony Robbins Podcast
• The Ritz-Carlton Tokyo
• Food Sensitivity Test – Cell Science Systems
• Steve Aoki – Pretender ft. Lil Yachty & AJR
• Thou Shall Prosper by Rabbi Daniel Lapin
• Dave Ramsey
• The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
• Google Calendar
• The Myers & Briggs Personality Test
• How to Speak Your Child’s “Love Language” – MikaPerry.com
• Wake Up Warrior
– Hey everyone welcome to another episode of Good To Be Home. I am Russ Perry.
– And I am Mika Perry.
– And we are back in our high level studio here inside our bedroom.
– We’re in our master bedroom back at the playroom table from Pottery Barn we have on the floor, we’re just nice and cozy here, we have our San Pelligrino, a Joe Malone candle lit, and it’s nice to be with you again Russ.
– I was just gonna say thank you for really carrying the weight of this entire operation while I’ve been traveling. I’m pretty sure that I thought you were just gonna take over the entire podcast, which I bet some of our listeners would be really happy. I think they would love it if you just did them by yourself all the time.
– Well thank you for the support on the solo podcasts. I really like those and they will not completely end. I’m sure I will pepper those in every now and then, but today we’re here back as Russ and Mika, as a duo, and we are going to discuss conflict.
– Wait, we are? Just kidding. Yeah, so we are gonna talk about conflict today. And, the things we, like the actual things we fight about and how we get through those, but as you all know, if you’ve listened to this podcast before, we have a nice little segment called reading, listening, eating, and loving, and we’re gonna jump into that, what’s hot this week, and you can go to our website goodtobehomepodcast.com to get the full list of everything we’ve ever mentioned ever in the world. So Mika, take it away.
– Alright, for this week reading magazines, everyone. So on a trip to Tokyo, and just kind of in general lately, when I’ve traveled I’ve been grabbing, I don’t know why but I grab three, three is my favorite number, maybe that’s why, but I grab three magazines at the newsstand at the airport and I have been loving just reading a magazine again, and I’ve found so much inspiration. I read Martha Stewart, Better Homes and Gardens, and Inc. Magazine, Fast Company, I think I mentioned in an earlier podcast maybe, but just awesome, awesome, inspo there, you guys, on print. So, my dilemma right now is deciding if I should get a subscription to magazines again because of how, I like dog ear pages on recipes and home things and like life stuff, or if I should save this as a treat for when I travel, and Russ is nodding his head that he thinks I should definitely not get a subscription.
– I’m shaking my head. Nodding is yes, don’t get it, yeah.
– Here’s the reason is every time I’ve done that I’m like I love this magazine I wanna subscribe to it. I don’t enjoy it as much because it’s just like delivered, I take it for granted and then it builds up.
– Yeah, so that’s why I’m like maybe I should just save it for travel. And it’s something special, so. I think that’s what we’re gonna do because I do travel about once a month I think, is what it averages out to, and that’s, you know, all the circulation. So, there we go.
– Print’s not dead.
– Eating, I picked up a grain free granola from Costco. I looked it up it’s called Autumns Gold because I decanted it into one of our pantry containers so I don’t remember the brand, but, I think it’s Autumns Gold, there’s no grain, no oats in it, and it’s made with coconut, almonds, sunflower seeds, honey, it’s so good, honey, it’s so good, the texture of it is on point. You should try some, have you tried it yet?
– No but I have a more important question.
– You can decant food? That’s a verb?
– I’ve only heard it used with wine.
– Wine. Well in the organizing world that’s the word we have generally picked to not empty it into a container, it’s to decant it, cause that’s the same action. However you’re not letting it breathe, you don’t want it to breathe, you want it to be airtight. So it is a little bit different than decanting wine.
– Got it.
– But the idea, you know what I’m talking about when I say that right?
– I was like, who cares about this grain free thing, I was really, I was more impressed by your word choice, that was cool.
– Okay, well thanks. Okay, listening, super OG guy, Tony Robbins podcast. One night when I was making dinner and meal prepping I went through like one or two episodes of his. He is so good, he’s such an intuitive smart guy. He is so good, he’s such an intuitive smart guy. And I know people have said certain things about him maybe personally, I don’t know, but I think he is so successful and is a household name for a reason.
– He’s so good.
– He’s a legend of personal development.
– Yeah, and we watched the documentary and it was fascinating. And I think that gives a better light of what he’s really done in his mission to help others.
– Yeah, I mean, side note on that, I think any massively successful person in terms of the amount of energy it requires to get to that elite level whether it’s sports or teaching or coaching or whatever, you, you only have so much time in the day you have to make sacrifices and so there’s probably a lot of sacrifices he’s had to make we don’t know about to get to that level, but the impact of what he’s done, not just in his own own work, but in inspiring and really creating an industry, of like the modern industry of personal development is pretty profound.
– Yeah, he’s awesome. So I’d highly suggest listening to one of his podcasts. I think he has a few, but I just listen to the regular one. Okay, loving finally, is the Ritz Carlton Tokyo. So we just got back from a one week trip to Tokyo just Russ and I and we stayed at the Ritz Carlton. We’re really huge fans of that brand in general. But here at the Tokyo property, it was just a stunning experience. Obviously the service of Ritz Carlton is well known for, they always say it’s my pleasure, they started it before Chick-Fil-A actually I went to a Ritz Carlton training when I was a registered Client Services Associate at Morgan Stanley and Wealth Management and they sent us there for client service training because the Ritz Carlton way is pretty well known. Well in Tokyo it’s Japan and their client service is above and beyond in general anyway. Already and I kept telling you Russ remember, I was like how do they know our name, like everywhere we turned. Oh, welcome back. Mrs. Perry. Hello, Mrs. Perry. How was this yesterday. Our recommendation, you know, they and we’re not the only people on the property.
– Yeah it’s a big hotel.
– It’s a huge hotel. It was elegant the design details are wonderful. We went to a beautiful dinner there at the sushi restaurant. They’re awesome like Omakase, meal with the best view of Tokyo. It’s in the tallest building in Tokyo by the way. So if you’re ever in Tokyo want to treat yourself go to the Ritz Carlton stay in a Japanese style room there. So a Japanese style room with to tatami mats that look, I think you’ll know what I mean that’s not common in a typical City Hotel. You have to go out into the countryside stay at odiocon which is that type of like inn basically that’s traditional you’re not going to find that look in the city, except at the Ritz Carlton.
– We think. There’s probably some more.
– We think, maybe, yeah, yeah but it was awesome.
– Fantastic. And that’s Midtown Tokyo. That’s the neighborhood that you want to go to for there near Roppongi.
– Yep. So those are my four.
– Okay, I’d love to do a Japan episode at some point. All right, here I go. So sort of bittersweet what I’m reading is the results of my food allergy test. I got six pages here of real depressing news. This is one of the blood tests the blood food allergy tests that you just take it’s by the company Cell Science Systems. It’s actually a sensitivity test technically, so it’s not like these are the foods that I just flare up and break out in hives with it is the things that internally my body is reacting to spending more energy and effort to take in process and sadly as a man who lives in southern, southwestern United States grew up in Arizona, one of the four worst things for me to eat is avocados. one of the four worst things for me to eat is avocados. I’m so bummed out.
– It’s super sad.
– I will save money at Chipotle because the avocados are extra. However, I am bummed bummed bummed about this, but it’s insightful because one of the reasons I took this was simply because I learned that when you are consuming foods that you’re sensitive to your body will actually put energy and effort to that above and beyond what you should and then that could take away from things like your cortisol your testosterone or estrogen levels could be messed up and it actually is just making you work harder, just by eating which shouldn’t necessarily be a consuming activity for yourself. That should be something that’s like building you up so pretty bummed about that. Also on the list, no more apples. Gotta say–
– It’s so weird because like, mine came back as like gluten, dairy, eggs and yours like apples and avocados and actually our comprehensive list is like opposite.
– Right, well and no more acorn squash.
– Like seriously fall is right around the corner here.
– Aw I thought you were just joking but no, honestly?
– Kind of joking. And bell pepper mix. I think maybe just multiple colors. So that’s what I’m reading or continue to cry over it. What I’m listening to, just recently found a track, I actually don’t know if it’s new or old, by my friend Steve Aoki, it’s called Pretender and it’s featuring one of my favorite newer hip hop artists Little Yachty, he’s just, he’s kind of like the modern day, he’s like the modern day T-Pain. So anyway, I’m excited for this track. It’s called pretender like I said, and it’s really good. But it just reminded me why I love Steve Aoki is many people may not know is because the beautiful woman sitting across from you right here two years ago was on stage with Steve Aoki got pulled up on stage to dance.
– It was so fun.
– It was so fun. We also refer to that. That’s back when Mika used to still drink so there’s there’s a bit different of decision making process going on. We were both we were both like we’re glad you still drink at that time because you got on stage with Steve Aoki.
– Yeah, me, I’ll go up there. But he’s great, you know, his dad is the founder of Benihana, little fun fact about Steve Aoki. What am I eating? Speaking of food. In Japanese food. I am loving tonkotsu ramen.
– No, tonkotsu.
– I can’t believe you said tonkotsu.
– Sorry. Whoa. I just destroyed lots of.
– I was talking to somebody, and-
– It was like, oh I think it was my dad maybe how on American menus it often says how on American menus it often says tonkotsu ramen and that’s like saying fried chicken ramen because tonkotsu is of a breaded chicken cutlet or pork cutlet.
– Okay, so I’m sorry it’s not tonkotsu, it’s what?
– Tonkotsu, which means–
– Oh tonkotsu.
– Pork bones.
– Ah. Man, I, you learn in our podcasts. Well, and then my loving. I had a 50/50 tie for two things that I’m loving one is Japan. I just love Japan I every, every time I go. It is a underrated very accessible beautiful place to visit and highly recommend it not going to go much more on that. And then the other the tie for this was earplugs. I also love your plugs because whenever I travel and sleeping and it’s just a simple, simple thing to have with you even on the train or on shuttles or wherever, like just drowning out the insanity of noise and white noise. It’s just nice to focus and be clear, maybe I’m just getting old. But Japan and earplugs on my loving last.
– There you go.
– I kind of like Japan more, but, earplugs are still very helpful.
– I use my Beats headphones as earplugs. There’s the ones that we have on actually right now to record this podcast and hear ourselves. They’re really cushy. And I find them comfortable. And like, almost like clouds for my ears.
– They are, yeah, you can even, and when you put them on, in public, people don’t bother you. Whether or not you’re listening to something.
– I think you look cooler than with earplugs in your ears.
– Kind of do look like you’re an athlete. They do good job branding that. Okay, so let’s get into our main topic of today, Mika. You’re really, I’m like, want to first start why why do you think people want to know what we argue about I’m kind of, you were really excited about this episode.
– So the episode today is conflicts between Russ and I as a married couple. And then a little bit broadly, just about conflict and conflict resolution as a whole. And we want to be candid and open with you on our real life. We have a wonderful marriage, we’ve worked hard on our marriage, and nothing is ever going to be perfect and conflict free in life. But the cool thing is, that’s how we grow. And that’s how you and I become closer. So when done, right, conflict is a good thing that can strengthen you, and help build communication and a relationship and knowing each other better. So we wanted to share with you what we fight about on a daily, weekly, monthly basis, you and I really don’t fight a lot. And that’s the reason why I wanted to bring this up. Because I think when we do fight, it’s an important and very common triggers and arguments, conflict that others may have too. and arguments, conflict that others may have too. Some of you might be in a marriage with a lot of conflict. Some people thrive on conflict, you and I don’t. But if you’re in one, and you’re frustrated with the level of the conflict, and the miscommunication that you have with your husband or wife, and you’re trying to find some pointers and encouragement, that’s also kind of what I wanted to do here today is to give a few thoughts on that.
– So I want to add just real quick, I think you touched on it. But I want to make sure people realize conflict is good if you process it properly. And conflict is super bad if you avoid it. And that is kind of where people get mixed up is they don’t want to go to conflict, because it’s uncomfortable, or they think that worse things will come out of it. And then that causes a really negative chain reaction. Or there is lots of conflict, and there’s some sort of weird masochistic like, feeling where, like, I feel valued, I like the conflict or that seems to be quote, unquote, normal. But it’s never properly resolved, or it’s superficial, we had a lot of conflict earlier on in our marriage that was quickly resolved when I stopped being a selfish idiot and going out and drinking all the time. Wasn’t a complicated reason why we were having conflict, but you were very patient, you’re very supportive, like even when I was being dumb. And so there’s, there’s conflict that can just be taken care of through some things. And then there’s conflict that people never dive into deep enough to figure out what’s going on. So we’ll talk about what we’re going to do. And then like we just said, I love the idea that you will just share kind of how we not prevent it, but do our due diligence to reduce it. And then what do we do when it does boil up.
– Okay, so I think you might find some similarities here. These are the things that we fight about as a husband and wife, parenting, money, finances, our schedule, kind of a day to day things, and intimacy. So with parenting, I felt that probably Maddie and the whole step parenting role in co-parenting with someone else outside of the home has been a source of parental conflict for us.
– And for those of you who are new to the Good To Be Home podcast, just so you know, we have a 13 year old and she has been in my life well for all 13 years, and Mika’s his life since she was one and a half. And this was a daughter I had when I was 22. So never married. But Mika is basically you have been a parent, step parent parent from day one.
– Yeah. Since our relationship. Yeah, yep. So there’s different elements that come with step parenting. And that has been a source of arguments, I think, for us. And also it, it really like triggers a lot of personal emotions and things you have to work on personally. So what I mean by that is that for me, I had to personally work through feelings I had of what is my role? How much am I allowed to love her? Not a not love her? How do I resolve my frustrations of her going somewhere else, and coming back and balancing two different lifestyles and homes and rules. And then I think maybe, for you, or what has been hard about step parenting.
– Seriously, it’s just been well, you, the second thing you mentioned is always a challenge in any co-parenting relationship is that the reality of two homes is there’s just two worlds. And that’s frustrating. And it’s super frustrating for people like you and I, who love structure. We like organization, we like a plan. And not everyone thinks the way we think and acts the way we act. And so when we when Maddie we used to go to her mom’s it’s a place that’s very, you know, it’s, it’s not good or bad. It’s just different than us. And that it was something that really, especially as she became older and started to be more independent and have her own opinions, that was something that we had to balance out. But also the level of communication that’s required to successfully have a parent that’s not, you’re not married to is like having another job almost at times. And I’ve always been hyper communicative. I try to over communicate everything. And that is a lot of energy on mine. And, and I think when we were in the biggest amount of conflicts, I wasn’t taking ownership for that. I thought, oh, we’re married now, so you can be a parent and work with Maddie and her mom. And coordination and the scheduling, which you happily did, like you took that on since a lot of our years being married, you’ve been more of the homemaker role. But at the end of the day, it was just it was confusing, like on a logistics standpoint, cause I wasn’t in the loop or you weren’t in the loop. And at the end of the day, I was kind of like, you know what, I’m the Dad, I’m going to take care of this and not assume that that’s just your role, and not assume that that’s just your role, because you’re my wife.
– Yeah. And we had like, consider that Maddie’s mom views, you and her as the co-parenting team more than me being part of it. And I’ve come to terms that I’m the bonus mom and not the main mom.
– And that’s helped a lot.
– So, yeah, so I think I think I kind of, you know, it was a little bit confusing, I gotta admit, like, when we got married, and you had this beautiful ceremony with Maddox during our our marriage ceremony or wedding ceremony vows, you had a vow for Maddox and it was so beautiful, I came out of that kind of like, okay, Mika’s the mom now too like, she’s like, this is where she’s at.
– And I did too.
– And you always have been, and you still continue to love her endlessly to this day. But that was like, I think I, in my mind, I gave myself permission to sort of back off.
– Pass the baton.
– Yeah, exactly. But as I think she’s gotten older, we’ve gotten more organized about it. And I will say with that, and we’re not talking about conflict resolution quite yet. But in co-parenting again, whether it’s with the parent in the other home or the parent or married with over communication was the key for for that for you and I, and for us and Maddox’s mom, because then then we just are on the same page.
– Over inclusion.
– And you communicating to me your frustrations, which I know is hard at times, because you wouldn’t want to like hurt my feelings, or rock the boat. And when you started being open and honest about the things you were frustrated with, again, not avoiding the conflict, then I was like, oh, wow, this is something that’s a lot heavier on Mika than I realized I need to change the plan here. Otherwise, there’s going to, it’s going to perpetuate more conflict. So thanks for being open.
– And that’s being uncomfortable, getting uncomfortable to grow and get better. So in parenting, we also have our two other daughters. We have our six year old and our almost three year old and we have challenges parenting them that cause conflict between you and I for sure. And this is something when I’ve asked like my Instagram followers, what do you guys want to know about? Like, if we do a podcast? I’ve gotten several times like how do you handle differences in parenting styles? So I wanted to address that here because I think you and I have similar parenting styles, don’t you think?
– Oh, no? Here we go, conflict.
– I don’t know.
– Disagreement. Okay.
– I think I’m more of a–
– I didn’t say same.
– Okay, alright. Well yes you’re right.
– Don’t you think?
– Tip one agree with your wife.
– This is life training ladies and gentleman.
– Take a step back then. Then what? What do you find different?
– Well, I think our goals are exactly the same. Like I think we have the same value system we value our kids being respectful, we value our kids being respectful, we value our kids being creative and engaged and good citizens and spiritual but I do think we have very different approaches.
– Oh, man, this is dangerous ice I’m walking on. Well, I noticed that there is for me, and maybe this is because I have more time boundaries and plan often through the day with work and whatnot. I noticed that when I’m with the kids, I’m like, I feel like I’m actively doing things with them more than you. Where your role is more doing things for them.
– I agree. And I just think that’s a very common role structure with a dad and a mom. Now I don’t want to over generalize, but at least, and maybe because this is the way I was raised, but dad’s more fun, and mom is cooking, caring, providing, the home.
– I’m laughing because I, what you don’t know audiences is when Mika gets into her fun zone, it’s like a holiday here in the Perry house it’s like, well, mom’s playing pretend everyone go play pretend with mom, this is out of control.
– So see it’s valued if I don’t have fun all the time. No, I admit that, and if it’s a personality thing, you are more a little more outgoing and fun. And that’s, I’m okay with the fact that I am not the fun let’s get down on the floor and play and be creative and imaginative. I’m a sad soul and I just don’t have imagination anymore.
– You do, you’re creative, you’re very creative in different ways.
– I just had another realization too.
– This is like honestly, like, something I realized that sometimes I get frustrated when I’m home and you’re just like, on your computer working and the kids around. But I realize you don’t have time to do that when I’m not home and they’re home. So I just wanna let you know no longer frustrated about that because I just realized that you’re taking advantage of there being another parent around to get stuff done.
– Okay. Thanks.
– Well we’re almost at 10 years of marriage and Russ just figured this out. So that touches on a couple things that we do have conflict over as in our parenting roles.
– Screen time, what about screen time.
– Screen time. So I think it’s okay much more than you do. So I think it’s okay much more than you do. And that’s something we still have conflict around we this week decided the girls are not allowed on iPads specifically Reese in the mornings anymore, because it was causing conflict with her and expectations and being done and ready and wanting it. The girls wake up early. And so what was happening is okay, you’re up at five, 5:30, it’s a little too early to start getting ready and making breakfast. I’m not ready to do that right now. So here’s an iPad. And a lot of times she her favorite thing is Minecraft. So for me, I’m like, well, she’s not passively taking things, and she’s creating and doing a game. Russ sees screens and it triggers, it’s a trigger.
– Cause every time every time I tell her just to go play, she can play just the same as playing on Minecraft. She doesn’t have to be on a computer.
– So we’ve come to an agreement recently, as we sent us this week, cause we’re taking that no more iPad in the morning, you can watch a show with your sister. And it’s hard when you have different age groups of okay, this kid is allowed this but this isn’t. That causes conflict as well. But we don’t have it. But we don’t have it. You get a show when you’re done with all of your chores and you’re ready to go to school, and then there’s extra time. So far it’s going well.
– We’re on day one of it.
– No two.
– No, she did iPad yesterday.
– Oh, okay, day one.
– Screen time, it is a, it’s challenging. We live in a very different world than we grew up in. There was only one screen when we grew up. And it was a cable or non cable TV.
– Antenna. And I do realize that it’s it’s a different world. But I find that our kiddos specifically, and kids in general are just fine after a day or so of whatever system or rule you set. Like in my car, there’s no screens.
– Or food.
– Or food.
– Everyone’s fine, everyone knows. It’s actually hilarious when we’ll be at like church and the kids will get a lollipop and it’s like, they’re like crunching as fast as they can before we get to the car cause they know they can’t have it in my car.
– Dad’s car. So screen time, definitely a trigger for us. I think that is something that we recognize is something that needs to be worked on. And something we both in our value systems believe that should be limited and they shouldn’t get a lot. But you and I differ on how we’re going to get that done. And also, sometimes we’re just tired . We’re trying to balance the realities of life versus what our beliefs and like our core values are wanting to achieve for our children. Similar with food. You and I have arguments about what the kids are eating, you don’t like how much carbs they’re eating. I’m like they need carbs to grow. So why are you looking at me weird? You wanna know what? I don’t, we don’t have like a resolution on it, it’s just sometimes it comes up.
– Yeah, specifically like packaged, processed foods.
– Oh here it’s what it is is snacks.
– You get upset about snacks.
– Well cause, babe, you get so, you even said the other day, you’re like, I would cook more, but my kids they don’t want, I spent all this time on on a meal I’m really excited for and then they are like I don’t like it, I don’t want it. And–
– You’re talking the dinner.
– The dinner for dinner. Like you spent all this time cooking dinner. And you’re cause you’re an amazing chef. Like you’re very food, and you are great chef and cook.
– Not a chef. Home chef.
– Home cook.
– Cook. But then, in my mind I’m like well of course they’re not gonna eat it cause they’ve had three snacks in the afternoon. They’re not even hungry. A kid skips a dinner once or twice they’re gonna start eating whatever they’re gonna get, but only if they’re hungry. If they’re not hungry, then they have no incentive to eat what you give them.
– I agree with you. I try to provide healthy snacks when they come home.
– No, no snacks, they don’t need snacks.
– But they’re hungry, and I can’t give them dinner at 3:30.
– How do you know they’re hungry?
– Because they’re telling me mom I’m hungry. You’re not here.
– Just maybe they’re tricking you.
– Oh my gosh. Okay, well, maybe we need to resolve through this issue still. I think this is a work in progress as they grow and change. But I think we both believe that process packaging foods should be limited. However, they need snacks to take to school. We have three kids that needed, no two that need to take snacks to school. So having things like think fig bars, crackers, pretzels, applesauce packs are convenient. I try to pick the best that I do in that category. I’m doing my best.
– Here’s the thing. I actually care less about the things because I ate whatever growing up and we were okay. At least so far until I get crazy face cancer or something. Like the point is this, I think it’s the volume of the, and the accessibility like they’re there. You have a well organized pantry with a lot of accessible things and even now pantry grab. I think the dinner problem is what it what triggers me the most.
– Yeah it sounds like it.
– I don’t, I care less about the snacks. I care more about my kids be picky eaters. That’s I feel like that’s like my ultimate failure as a dad if my kids become picky eaters.
– Right, and I know that sentiment and that feeling is echoed by many parents that are like I said before I had kids like, oh my kid will never be a picky eater. Lo and behold, like the best parents have the pickiest eaters. You know?
– Like Paige had a pancake with syrup on it and she didn’t want it and she only wanted a blueberry.
– Isn’t that frustrating, Russ? Welcome to my daily life of feeding your children.
– But she had a ton of snacks this morning before the pancake. That you didn’t see.
– So screen time, food, luckily our kids so far behavior wise haven’t posed as big of a problem for us, where we’re fighting about their discipline. There’s been times but I can’t think of any when I try to.
– Just when they’re super tired at night, and they get emotionally overloaded. And then it’s just like a meltdown.
– Yeah, and then that’s where you’re just like, oh, man, we kept them up too late. Or we did too much today. That’s reset for tomorrow.
– Now, I want to just say, I mean, I know we have like resolution at the end. But I think we can interject it a little bit as comical or light hearted as it seems during this podcast is like seriously talking about it before the conflict happens is massively important. Because when Mika’s is in a rush, or I’m tired, or the kids are losing their minds, that’s the worst time to try to come up with a conflict plan. Like a screen time plan when we have kids that are in the middle of wanting something. So as best as you can, like, if you’re inspired by this episode, sit down with your significant other and like have a comvo around some of short term triggered things before you’re in it the next time, because that is like a massive, you just have space to kind of chat and joke and think. And it’s not you’re not at the on the pressure of having to come up with a solution immediately.
– So let’s talk about finance real quick. Because that’s something that is a trigger has been in the past, I think we’ve gotten a lot better about it. But here’s where we’ve recognized outside of the situation, stepped out of the triggering, you know, heated moment and recognize that we come from different backgrounds with finance our beliefs around it, we were raised somewhat similarly, I think. But even still, your family can contribute to a different sense of what finances mean to you how much you should talk about it, how much you should be private about it. Russ is definitely much more controlled and detailed and it’s a saver of our family. If we didn’t have Russ we would have zero savings because I am the avoider and the spender. So knowing that we have differences has helped us develop better communication through any conversations we have about finances.
– One thing that’s helped is our Perry finance date. Russ, you want to tell everyone about the Perry finance date?
– Fun finance.
– Funance. Alright, so, actually no, I’m going to tell a quick anecdotal thing. I was never a saver I wasn’t born a saver. I actually was pretty bad with money for a long time. But I realized that I needed to mature with money because we couldn’t successfully have a marriage with two people who love spending. So this would became something that was very like important to me as I guess a leader in my family is I did a lot of study and a lot of work on developing better mindsets and relationships with money. And I’ll just throw it out there for anyone who feels like they want to level up their mindset around money. The book Thou Shall Prosper is a really amazing book, it’s by Daniel Lapin, Rabbi Daniel Lapin, he’s a Jewish rabbi and he writes a very profound book just about like the symbol of money and what it means. And I won’t go more into it other than that, but it helped me realize that hey, keeping money actually is a good thing. So that actually helped me become better with money. And now to what Mika alluded to we have had good conversations around money we have had good conversations around money but didn’t always start out that way. And I first tried to introduce money conversations at date night. And that was a gigantic mistake because there’s nothing that ruins any chance of hooking up at the end of date night is to criticize your wife’s spending habits as you’re eating penne pasta or whatever we were eating at the time. I don’t even think we got into meal too much. So, like, the finance conversations had to definitely be appropriate for what it is that Mika was ready for. And a big long list of how much she’s spending and how she’s out of budget and all of this kind of stuff, well that just didn’t work, and that backfired. And it sucked because at the time most of my knowledge of financial management was influenced by Dave Ramsey and all of these programs that are basically want you to run your personal fiances kind of like a military boot camp. And that became my style for a brief period of time. And I think it went all the way up until the summer of 2016 when we were in Dana Point on our summer trip and I had printed out the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace like curriculum. I was like, we’re gonna do this on vacation.
– Yeah I remember that.
– That lasted like–
– What a downer.
– 25 minutes.
– And, and so, the conflicts, I think the okay, I’m gonna go out on a limb here. I think Dave Ramsey’s bad ass business guy and he just smart guys, a spiritual man he’s a strong Christian, respect them immensely like I’ve been to his conferences. I think his money plan for lot is not very good. Here’s why he does not encourage you making more he encourages you spending less, that’s the primary strategy around it. And I found that as an entrepreneur, we’ve talked about it a lot, you can go back and listen to a ton of episodes on entrepreneurship on our website, could it be on goodtobehomepodcast.com, the reality is, it was much easier for me to put my time and energy into creating new products and services in business than it was to micromanage your grocery budget down to the set, which took a ton of time and energy literally would take me hours a week to get ahead of all of that. And I’m like, I could just write email copy and send sales emails for this amount of time. And you could buy your organic groceries all day long. So it was it was a luxury afforded to me in my role as an entrepreneur, and just yet another reason. But I realized that to solve money conflicts, you need to have money, like, you’re gonna have a lot of money conflicts, if you don’t have money. Or if you’re in a position where you’re spending more than you’re making,
– That’s yeah.
– It’s not about the dollar amount of how much you make, that’s going to vary across every–
– You can make a million dollars a year and be spending $1,200,000 a year, and you’re gonna have a lot of money conflicts.
– Yeah, exactly.
– So I just got ahead of it, and I rather than micromanaging budgets, the one thing I did I get a text message every morning on our primary bank account. And I know roughly when big bills come out. And that was it, that’s my new Russ Perry plan of the finances.
– So the way that we’ve solved the conflict of finance is Russ found the method that works for him, right?
– It wasn’t micromanaging our budget, it was a steady awareness of what was in and what was out. But honestly, if you go to get I don’t know, something at Target, or we take a trip or whatever, I just need to make sure that income wise, we’re not overextending ourselves, right, what’s coming in. So it’s not very scientific guys. And I think there’s a lot of, really lot people dedicate their life and blogs and time in books, and all of this to this. But it wasn’t just like making more like it’s a magic wand, it was caring more about money, like that was the big difference. And so again, that book, highly recommended it.
– Scheduling is another thing that causes conflict in our more routine, day to day life as a married couple, who’s supposed to be where I thought you were supposed to do this, you never told me about this, those are things that will happen in the moment, you can’t predict them we had has to be confronted at the moment to figure out what’s happening in for the rest of the day, or whatever in your plans. The way that we’ve solved that is through Google Calendar, and inviting ourselves to each other’s events and what’s going on so that we can be aware and also recognizing that Russ and I differ and also recognizing that Russ and I differ in our capacity for events and things happening in our life. Russ has much more energy and bandwidth as a much more extroverted person who gets energy from being around other people to do more in his day. Whereas me, I can’t do events back to back to back. I am just wiped out. I love, I actually did my Myers Briggs and it says that I am a the rare introvert that’s very social. So I’m a social person. But energy wise, I start getting depleted much faster. And so then I get frustrated because I’m like, I have not had time to recharge my batteries. And that’s when we start fighting. I don’t want to go to the event. I don’t want to do this. You’ve overbooked us for Russ.
– I don’t want to go to date night.
– Yeah, I don’t wanna go to date night because I feel behind on all these other things. I’m tired, because this is such a busy week. So really, simply to solve the problem of scheduling has been finding a system to communicate, Google Calendar, and then recognizing our differences in personalities and bandwidth of energy. I know one thing a weekend max with us and you.
– Yeah, like a big thing.
– Like if we have a birthday, if we have a family thing, like one thing, no more than that.
– And we have, I think this year have gotten really good at saying no, and also recognizing when the other person needs to say no more. So you are better at recognizing when Mika says no I mean it and I’m like, I can’t. So that’s been helpful. Lastly, intimacy.
– Sex, that means sex. FYI.
– So conflict around this, we’ve had it. I want to be candid, but not go into super detail. Because I want to protect the privacy of you and I and also our kids may listen to this in the sooner future than we want.
– Hey Phil and Jenco, Mika’s parents, I know, you listen this too.
– Too, I think my grandma listens to this too. Anyways, we’re married. We’ve had kids, we are intimate. I would say the conflict happens when being tired.
– And I think a lot of you can share.
– So it’s–
– You know, or understand that.
– You know, this is, here’s the reality gentlemen. Let me talk to you men first of all who listen to this and for the ladies you can have your husband listen to this. We’ve been married almost 10 years. Coming up on that here soon, and the game of seduction and wooing your wife does not end, and for me I know that if I am actively and for me I know that if I am actively thinking about and planning and trying to be a gentleman and put in the time and energy and effort, intimacy is a result of that effort. If I am trying to force something at the end of the day, when we’re fried, or we are traveling or whatever doesn’t happen. And I just I will say, I’ve gotten really pissed off at that because I don’t know I’m selfish. I just I don’t know. I think it’s old it or whatever. But the end of the day, that’s no different than if you’re dating like your brand new dating somebody. Like you wouldn’t get mad if your person you’ve only been with or your brand new like, like you’re you put no effort into something and they’re not into you like so the rules don’t change the longer, even just though you’ve been married a long time and there’s sadly a lot of people whose marriages drift big time because, and conflict start to happen as a result of a lack of intimacy. But the reason they’re not being intimate is because there’s there’s no effort in that department.
– And you said, you know, you refer to other marriages but it’s happened in our marriage too in the past and even now in small amounts when we have not invested time and energy into it, we aren’t as much and then that leads to frustration. Right it’s a domino like, like, sex in a marriage is normal and healthy. And if it’s not happening, then that is a domino that will trigger other conflict in other areas. It’s not like we’re arguing about not having sex all the time. Although I’ve done that before. Personally, there’s a legendary sex tantrum story we can tell. But the point is like–
– Tantrum, not tantric.
– Sex tantrum, yeah. Yeah, but it’s not like we’re arguing about that. We’re arguing about the kids or the schedule or whatever, because we’re not connected. We haven’t had that we haven’t had our date night where we are able to just relax and rediscover that person. Even in just that two hours, or whatever it is. So it’s really a preventative measure to prevent other conflicts.
– Totally, totally. And I think from a woman’s perspective, ladies, like, I’ve had lots of conversations with friends more recently about hormone levels. And all of us almost even feeling guilty, that we’re not feeling like, we want to be intimate, that we’re too tired, that we’re, you know, just wiped or we have no drive, a lot of it isn’t our fault, it’s our body’s not operating at the proper hormone level. So that’s something that I’m currently getting checked out. And I know that that’s something that maybe you might want to or, you know, consider. And we also have to invest and put effort into it too. Because if you’re feeling like your husband is distant, or he’s not like you, like you, sucking in the marriage, like he’s just being like a dud of a husband, you have to kind of step up to the plate too, because he’s his tank is not being filled. And many men’s love language, which I’m going to talk about here in a minute, a lot of its physical touch. And so their tank is literally depleted. And all you not all you have to do. But a very simple like ah ha like invest in intimacy and what you’re craving in a marriage. Whether it’s emotional intimacy, or physical intimacy or whatever, closer connectedness, you will get that by being the one to step up to the plate.
– That’s awesome for you to say that. It’s like a double whammy, too. Because I would argue, when a man or a woman is not connected, and they’re distant, there’s a lot of other stuff going on in their life, like something else is going on big time. And so then you’re not receiving love in the way that they want or connection. And then it’s like a double negative on that part. So someone has to kind of make the first move, otherwise things won’t get better.
– Totally. So parenting, finance, scheduling, intimacy, those are the kind of the four themes of the things that have caused conflict in our marriage. And to work through them we’ve shared several things, including knowing each other’s communication style backgrounds, where we come from being tired, just energy, I think that’s energy energy level, okay, energy level, feeling disconnected, or something else is happening in that person’s life that you need to think about. It’s not you it’s something that’s happening within them, your significant other is their own person with their own lives. In many cases, that does not involve you whether it’s worth their work or personal relationship they’re having with a friend or a family member that you’re not aware of. That’s really causing like a cloud of turmoil in their life. Two other things I think that have been really helpful for you and I have been finding out each other’s love language and also the work that you’ve done through Warrior a lot of work that you’ve done with yourself that has really benefited our marriage.
– Right we’ll just briefly touch on those because probably the best thing to do to learn more about that is go get the book The Five Love Languages and there’s also a free online quiz the jist is that there’s five primary love languages and they are physical, touch words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and quality time. And so everyone kids, teenagers, adults, they all magnetize towards one or two is their primary one. So usually your the way you give love is also the way you like to receive it. But that may not match up the person you’re with. So Mika’s one is acts service, definitely not one of mine to receive. So I in showing love to Russ–
– You’ll organize my closet at 2 a.m.
– Did that last night. And make food, clean the house take care of this, do that because when someone does that for me, because it’s one of my love languages, it means a lot to me. So that’s how we speak it back to someone else. But that’s not Russ’s language. He doesn’t understand that he’s like, cool thanks for doing that.
– And I try to hook up with you and you’re like–
– What are you doing? So Russ’s one of his main ones is physical touch.
– Quality time.
– But quality time is probably, no it is your top one. So spending time together is how Russ fills his tank of love. And he shows love to his daughters at the end of the day, while I’m cleaning through acts of service, and cooking, and doing things for everyone.
– It all makes sense now.
– He’s spending time with his daughters. Because that is how he likes to receive love. I also have gifts as one of my top ones. So I love giving gifts. And it means a lot to me when I receive gifts. It doesn’t make you a materialistic person, it can be something small. But to know that someone is thinking about me and did something when I wasn’t there, and then brought it back to me And like went through all that is meaningful to me. And Russ mentioned kids. Kids have their love languages too. In fact this blog post that I wrote in the last year. And we’ve identified our daughters love languages. So it’s important that we speak theirs’ so that they are filled up too. Warrior, can you talk a little bit about how communication has helped you? Yeah, so Warrior is a men’s program I’ve been in. Although recently, they’re expanding into women’s training too, which is really exciting, and it’s a lifestyle, you know, it’s a way of living. It’s a way of processing this crazy world. And I’m a certified trainer in that I run my own consulting program to men, and soon to be women as well around how to live quote unquote, the Warriors way. But out of this is one of the most powerful conflict resolution tools I’ve ever learned. And it’s called a stack. And it really is a combination of several people and psychological ways of really understanding most of our conflict. And the triggers that cause conflict are basically how we interpret that trigger. So Mika doesn’t want to have sex with me, I get mad at her, because I interpret that as she doesn’t want me or there’s some, I create a story around it. And then this sets off who knows what of emotion and then cause a fight, and so on and so forth. So what I’ve learned inside a Warrior, and one of the big things that they do is, how can you How can you intercept that story right at the trigger and realize what the real story is. So Mika doesn’t want to have sex with me. The reality is, it’s 11 o’clock at night on a Tuesday, and we’ve been traveling to Idaho, and we’re staying in a weird sort of grandparent room. Probably not the best place for it, which is what the sex tantrum was. So there’s a real story, and then there’s our perceived story. So that’s one conflict resolution thing I’ve learned inside that program. But also, I would say, we can probably like, I’m not afraid of conflict anymore, that it was a huge realization, I was the guy who didn’t even want to send a meal back at a restaurant if it was wrong, because I was uncomfortable with asking the server and it’s it’s not that I don’t care about people’s feelings anymore, is I just care about being truthful and honest, more. And so I don’t run away from conflict. And that resolves it the best.
– And I think that is our biggest tip is to deal with it right then and there and be open and honest and get uncomfortable. You’re going to hear this in many ways, in many of our podcasts is that being uncomfortable is where growth happens, and good things happen and dealing with it right then and there. I just talked about it. And my organizing post is my top the hack is don’t put it off. Don’t ignore it. Russ, you ignored your need to become sober for a long time you ignore that there was a problem there and it only got bigger. So if you don’t want conflict, it’s gonna get worse. It’s gonna be a worse conflict. And I’m totally guilty of that. I’m a people pleaser. And I’ve learned to overcome that tendency a little bit to realize what’s most important. Who do I need to think about the most so that I’m not just creating conflict upon conflict by ignoring it. So that’s it for today, everyone. I hope this was a fun, insightful podcast, and we just thank you for listening to this. And thank you for all the support one more time. If you want to get subscribed. Get our list of all of our recommendations. Head over to goodtobehomepodcast.com. And don’t forget to send us a note on Instagram. I’m Russ Perry. And Mika’s handle is just MikaPerry.
– And if you feel inclined, please do leave us a review on iTunes and share this podcast with your friends and family. And if you have any suggestions for us, shoot us a message a DM or comment on a post on goodtobehomepodcast.com.
– Alright, talk to you next time.
– Alright, bye.
– Thanks for listening to this episode of Good To Be Home.
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– See you next time.