On today’s podcast, Mika and Russ are talking about how they deal with negativity. When it feels like so much of the current news cycle is heavy and negative, Russ and Mika are taking today’s episode to talk about how they work through negativity, both on the inside and the outside. You’ll hear tips and...
Episode #54: Dealing With Negativity
When it feels like so much of the current news cycle is heavy and negative, Russ and Mika are taking today’s episode to talk about how they work through negativity, both on the inside and the outside.
You’ll hear tips and tricks to dealing with negativity and harnessing your energy towards the positive, whether its reading less news like Russ, or incorporating meditation and other wellness strategies like Mika.
Negativity can be the smallness voice in your head telling you you’re not good enough, or external factors like trolls on the internet. Both Russ and Mika talk in this episode about how they’ve dealt with haters on social media, and curating their own feeds and who they follow to promote positivity.
And what about negativity in relationships? When do you lean in to helping them become less negative, or leave to honor your own boundaries?
In this episode, you will learn:
• How social media can trigger negativity
• Recognizing what triggers you to turn to negative thoughts
• How Mika has used wellness practices to keep negativity at bay
• What an “abundance” mindset is
Mentioned in this episode:
• Russ Perry on Instagram
• Mika Perry on Instagram
• The Sober Entrepreneur by Russ Perry
• The Russ Perry Show
• Do Less by Kate Northrup
• Homecoming: A Film by Beyonce
• Salmon and Broccoli with everything bagel seasoning
• Wellness Mama
• Cuyana laptop case
• New York Times Mini Crossword Puzzles
• Cash Money Records Playlist on Apple Music
• “Go DJ” – Lil Wayne
• Tocaya Organica
• Body Back Buddy Self Massage Tool
• The Four Hour Work Week by Tim Ferriss
• News Feed Eradicator for Facebook – Google Chrome plug in
• Wake Up Warrior
• GTBH Episode #46: “Igniting your Greatness” An interview with Coach Dena Patton
• GTBH Episode #49: Are you Coachable? Another conversation with Coach Dena Patton
• GTBH Episode #36: How We Approach Social Media
• GTBH Episode #28: Understanding the “Core Four”
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. – Philippians 4:8
Do you have questions, comments or suggestions for this show? Send us an email at Hello@GoodtoBeHomePodcast.com!
Russ Perry: I am Russ Perry.
Mika Perry: And I am Mika Perry. You’re listening to Good To Be Home.
Russ Perry: Good To Be Home is a weekly exploration of entrepreneurship, family, marriage, sobriety, and how we balance our business and life.
Mika Perry: From our family to yours, thanks for joining us and welcome to our home.
Russ Perry: Hey, everyone. Welcome to another episode of Good To Be Home. I am your co-host, Russ Perry.
Mika Perry: And I am Mika Perry.
Russ Perry: We are here today to talk about the dark and the light, the good and the bad, the negative and the positive.
Mika Perry: We are talking about dealing with negativity on the inside and the outside.
Russ Perry: Right. Mika and I were chit chatting around just, I don’t know, seeming like there’s always negativity that just … Everywhere, we’re surrounded by it. It’s a thing that can come from ourselves, it can come from the news, it can come from interactions with others. We wanted to share about the topic, just open the conversation, and also talk about what we do to combat it because it really is, it’s like a fight almost to try to keep it at bay with everything that’s going on.
Mika Perry: Definitely. It’s like an active thing, so that is what we’re talking about today.
Russ Perry: Well, before we get to that though, let’s dive it into our reading, listening, eating and loving list. This is something we do every single week where we share a few items in those categories. Don’t forget, you can get the full list and recaps every single month over at goodtobehomepodcast.com. Check it out. Mika, take it away.
Mika Perry: Okay. For reading, I got the book, Do Less by Kate Northrup. I had mentioned listening to a podcast interview with her before and I got her book. It’s called, Do Less: A Revolutionary Approach to Time Management for Busy Moms. I can’t believe I remembered her tagline.
Russ Perry: Way to go.
Mika Perry: Or her subtitle. But what really interests me about this book is the idea of energy for women based on your cycles, and your hormone cycles which Russ, you love hearing about this.
Russ Perry: I love … I mean, hormones is my 18th favorite topic.
Mika Perry: Really honoring that. I mentioned it in a Instagram post before, but it’s just something that I’m really interested in, so that is my current read.
Listening, Beyonce’s Homecoming live album. Russ and I, the other night, I think it was Friday night after the kids went to bed, we stayed up watching Homecoming on Netflix. This is Beyonce’s documentary, kind of.
Russ Perry: It’s like an art project documentary, kind of.
Mika Perry: Yeah, of her performance at Coachella.
Speaker 3: So crazy right now.
Speaker 4: I look and stare so deep in your eyes. I touch on you more and more every time. When you leave, I’m begging you not to go.
Mika Perry: Amazing.
Russ Perry: Yeah, it was really good.
Mika Perry: Very good. So impressed and it definitely got me motivated to workout. It really did.
Russ Perry: How so?
Mika Perry: Because she in it, when she started training and preparing for this performance she had just had her twins, and so she had to work it off and get back into shape so that she could perform a two-hour set, which is incredible. I was like, “Wow, that’s intense.” I don’t know, it just motivated me to go workout.
The next morning I went on the Peloton, and then this week I have worked out, I have done weights three days in a row now.
Russ Perry: Congratulations.
Mika Perry: Thanks, Beyonce. Okay.
Eating, salmon and broccoli with Everything Bagel seasoning. This is a twist on a Perry home classic. We make salmon all the time. Broccoli is our only vegetable that the kids eat, which by the way, Russ, we have recently been trying to give Paige teeny bits of broccoli before eating her meal like, “This is your gateway to the rest of your meal. You have to eat this green vegetable.” We tried it at Disneyland for the first time, which is the worst time to implement a parenting strategy. I don’t know what I was thinking, but I did it yesterday, and I need to give you an update. You weren’t there.
Before that, I took a little piece of broccoli. I got this idea from, gosh, I think it was Feeding Littles. No, Wellness Mama. It was just like, “You just have to try it.” So I gave her a little piece of broccoli, she didn’t fight me, she put it in her mouth, ate it, and then said, “See mom, it’s gone.” Isn’t that good?
Russ Perry: How little was the piece?
Mika Perry: Small. Small.
Russ Perry: Like smaller than a grape?
Mika Perry: Yes.
Russ Perry: Oh.
Mika Perry: A hundred percent. But here’s the thing, is that we have to remember that scale for a three year old is different than our scale.
Russ Perry: Right.
Mika Perry: So that was a normal size broccoli to her.
Russ Perry: Got it.
Mika Perry: To us, a normal size broccoli is a whole head of broccoli for a three year old.
Russ Perry: Well a normal size broccoli is a normal size broccoli.
Mika Perry: Like a floret. One broccoli floret to us is the size of a head of a broccoli to her, in a way. Don’t you think?
Anyways, back to my meal of what I’m eating and loving. We eat broccoli a lot and now Paige is starting to. What I did this week for meal prep is I made salmon and broccoli. But on the broccoli I put Everything Bagel seasoning at the end. This is something I’ve mentioned before, loving putting on avocado, but I tried it on broccoli and it is so good, so give it a try.
Russ Perry: Wonderful.
Mika Perry: It’s the little things, right?
Lastly, loving my Cuyana laptop case. I may have butchered that name, but it’s C-U-Y-A-N-A. They are a company that promotes less things and more quality items. They make bags, purses, cases, clothing that’s very minimal and beautifully made. I first discovered them because a friend a mind, or actually a few friends of mine went in on a toiletry bag set for me. I love it, it’s monogrammed. I looked into this for a laptop case ’cause I really needed one and I found it, loved it.
I actually found it through an Instagram ad, like one that popped in. I was like, “Hey, looks cool. Looks like what I need.” I went on. Russ, you were there, and you said, “I’ll buy that for you for Mother’s Day.” No surprises. That’s what happens when you’re in your 11th year of marriage, I guess, is just, “Hey, this is what I want.”
Russ Perry: Stick to what you want.
Mika Perry: Yeah. But you guys, I love this case and it came in three days with a monogram, with regular shipping, and it’s a beautiful leather. I am now looking into getting their tote bag to match it, ’cause I’m looking for a new work bag.
Russ Perry: A case for your laptop case?
Mika Perry: No, for all the other things that I need.
Russ Perry: But if you put your laptop in it, then [inaudible] be a case for your case.
Mika Perry: Yes. Sure. Mkay. Anyways, that’s my list.
Russ Perry: Love it. Back to Beyonce’s Homecoming really quick. One thing that blew me away was that this was something that she did eight months solid working on a project. I can’t remember the last time I worked on something straight for a week. It’s crazy. One project over and over, and over, you know.
Mika Perry: Yeah. I was going to say, you’ve written a book, you do events, you have your training clients.
Russ Perry: But that’s all she worked on.
Mika Perry: Nothing else.
Russ Perry: Yeah.
Mika Perry: Yeah.
Russ Perry: I’ve done stuff, I’ve been involved in things for longer than that, but imagine you just work on that, like one thing.
Mika Perry: I personally would love that, that focus.
Russ Perry: That would actually be …
Mika Perry: Really great.
Russ Perry: I think that’s probably the trick-
Mika Perry: Yes.
Russ Perry: -for it all.
What am I reading? This was an Easter present from Maddox, but I’ve really liked it and we do it together. It’s The New York Times Mini Crossword book. Maddox and I have been doing these together, going through these puzzles. It’s 12 crossword questions and their answers are never more than four or five letters long. Very manageable but also very fun to do. We brought to your restaurant and it’s been something that actually has proven to be challenging, on that.
Listening, thanks to Apple Music’s recommendations, I rediscovered a whole list of songs I absolutely love. It’s the Cash Money Records playlist. They’re a record label. Don’t have enough time to go in the details of that label, but Drake, Lil Wayne, Nicki Minaj. Just tons, and tons, and tons of artists throughout the years. The Big Tymers. They’ve all been on this album. What came up was Go DJ by Lil Wayne.
Speaker 5: Say “Go DJ.”
Speaker 6: ‘Cause that’s my DJ.
Speaker 5: Say, “Go DJ.”
Speaker 6: ‘Cause that my DJ.
Speaker 5: Say, “Go DJ.”
Russ Perry: Just a classic, classic rap song.
What am I eating? Tocaya Organica. It’s a new healthy fast casual, Latin/Mexican inspired restaurant. I actually went there last night with Nick Long, taking him to the airport. Do you know what Tocaya means?
Mika Perry: No.
Russ Perry: It means having the same name of. It’s like a weird translation. We actually asked them last night, and the lady was like, “Yeah, it’s like slang. It’s Mexico’s Spanish slang.” That’s the translation.
Mika Perry: Cool.
Russ Perry: I think Organica means organic, on that. But really liking them.
Then, what am I loving? I love my Body Back Buddy Self Massage tool.
Mika Perry: Ugh. That’s all I have to say about that.
Russ Perry: This is something … I think it’s probably, it’s like a knockoff of maybe what a name brand is. But it’s this plastic hook looking thing.
Mika Perry: It looks like a S. It’s S-shaped.
Russ Perry: It’s like an S.
Mika Perry: The letter S.
Russ Perry: But it’s about two feet long, or longer, and you can hook it around your shoulder, massage your back. It’s like a back scratcher, but a back massager for you.
Mika Perry: Yeah, it’s huge and ridiculous. When I posted it on it Instagram that you had it, so many people messaged me saying give you two weeks and you’re going to throw that thing in the trash, because it’s so big and obnoxious. But now I noticed that it’s here at the gym, so you’ve moved it to the gym, so I don’t have to see it in the house anymore and figure out where to store it, which people have said, “Oh, my husband has that too and I hate it because I don’t know where to put it.” It’s huge.
Here’s the thing, is why don’t you just go get a massage and then 2) why didn’t you get a Theragun?
Russ Perry: Because a Theragun, you can’t Theragun your whole body.
Mika Perry: You pretty much can.
Russ Perry: Well what if the power runs out?
Mika Perry: You’ll be fine. That’s not a concern. We live in …
Russ Perry: I’m on a budget, Mika. That’s why I got this.
Mika Perry: Sure.
Russ Perry: Can’t afford the Theragun.
Mika Perry: Okay, all right. Well, have fun with your thing.
Russ Perry: You know, I could get rid of it-
Mika Perry: Back buddy.
Russ Perry: -if you want to become my back buddy.
Mika Perry: No. I’ll get you a Theragun.
Russ Perry: All right, well let’s move past this negativity.
Mika Perry: That’s true. I am being negative.
Russ Perry: Speaking of negativity, today’s topics is dealing with negativity on the inside and the outside. When we say negativity, let’s expand that just a little bit. I think when I say negativity it’s all of the feelings that go under that, whether that can be resentment, anger, frustration. What else?
Mika Perry: Jealousy.
Russ Perry: Jealousy, annoyance.
Mika Perry: Yeah. Did we say judgment, like being judgemental?
Russ Perry: Let’s say it again, ’cause that’s a big one. But there’s a lot of feelings, and we’ll start with what’s going on with us on the inside.
I am a firm believer that social media and media thrives on triggering these feelings. We consume news because we’re somehow fascinated by people arguing, or conflict, or this energy that exists. Like they always say like, “Bad news sells.” If you just have news that’s all happy and positive all the time, people don’t really want to read it. If you’re talking about destruction, and sad things, and hard stuff, and peoples’ lives being affected, then people somehow are interested in it.
Mika Perry: Yeah, that’s unfortunate. I wish happy news would sell.
For the listener here, Russ and I, I would say we’re very positive people. That’s why we really wanted to talk about negativity today because it’s something that we identify, we can see, we see it in the news, social media. We know it’s there, we acknowledge it. But we are by nature a little bit more positive people, maybe, than some. That conflict, we don’t thrive on conflict. You and I both don’t like it. By nature, we avoid that and lean more towards the positive side of life.
Russ Perry: I would say we don’t create it. For conflict, we don’t thrive in it in a sense that it’s … I think a lot of people that are always having conflict, they find some level of significance inside of that, that if they’re not arguing with someone, or if they don’t have a beef with somebody, or there isn’t some tension then somehow they don’t feel important.
For us, I think we don’t go to that place because we have our significance inside of our relationship, and our family, and these other things that frankly are better off without conflict existing inside of it. Does that make sense?
Mika Perry: Yeah. That does makes sense. We choose the positive, we don’t seek conflict.
We wanted to talk a little bit about although that’s our nature, we still experience it within ourselves. We’re not immune to it. We live regular life with regular problems, and we have gone through a lot of crappy situations in our life that still on the other side we have come out positive.
I want to note, because you brought up social media, as far as negativity and choosing being positive, I try to focus on the positivity, on the good things because I think you have to make an intentional choice. I’d rather promote positivity than negativity. Sure there are negative things going on in my life all the time, but do I want to highlight that because that then puts your energy towards that. I would rather put my energy towards the good feelings of happiness.
Russ Perry: Well I’ve seen a lot of your followers on Instagram on mikaperry is your Instagram handle, and that seems to be the number one words that people use when they’re describing your content and what you create is, “Oh, it’s so positive. Mika, you’re so positive.”
Now I will acknowledge that often one of the largest criticisms of social media is that it’s a fake reality. First of all, all the stuff you’re posting is totally real, which I’m witness to a lot of it. It’s like, “Yup, this is Paige doing a weird dance,” or, “This is our kitchen that is well organized.” It’s not a studio or it’s not something fake. But to go to those folks who are like, “Well, you’re on there and it’s not reality.” I say that in air quotes, “It’s not reality.” You’re like, “Yeah, it’s not,” but at the same time the conflicts, the problems, the challenges, we’re open about it and we talk about it. But is a visual social platform the best place for that? No, at least in our plans with it. We definitely have talked a lot about that here on the podcast.
I look at … For me, and this is just my own Instagram strategy, I only have followers of inspiring more creative artist type things because I want to use that tool to fuel my positivity, not fuel my curiosity of what other people are doing, or my reminders of how hard life is.
Mika Perry: Yeah. Anything that triggers a comparison.
Russ Perry: Right, exactly.
Mika Perry: Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
Okay, so let’s talk about how we deal with negativity on the inside. The battle between the good and the bad, the positive and the negative, because that happens inside of us.
Now we mentioned that we are definitely positive leaning people by choice and by nature, but Russ, I have to mention that you are one of the most positive people I know. That’s something that has attracted me to you from the very beginning, and a lot of times when you have horrible things happen to you or so much stress on a daily basis, I have wondered and still wonder how is he so positive through it all? How is he smiling? I would crumble under the weight of some of the things that you deal with, mostly in business.
You have just told me that you have active strategies, but then it’s also it’s just you have this tank that’s bigger, like a capacity. That’s pointing towards the nature of what we’re born with and what’s cultivated as we grow up. Can you share a little bit of light on how you make that happen within you to be positive?
Russ Perry: Absolutely. I think the two biggest things, ’cause I do a lot of personal development. No surprise to our listeners who have been listening to this for a while. One of the biggest things that help me stay in a positive mindset is the old abundance versus scarcity mentality.
Real brief what this means is if you live in a land of scarcity, you believe you’re controlled by scarcity, signs of that are where you feel like there’s a limited amount in this world. If I have a business and I run this business to be a scarcity, if I see a competitor getting clients, then I get jealous like, “Those are my clients. I want to have them,” versus the abundance mindset is, “Look, there’s more clients to go around. There could be 100 competitors and we can all be really big businesses. We need to focus on getting more people to our service, not being concerned about what other folks are doing.”
I wasn’t always … I didn’t have this abundance mindset from a business capacity always. That was definitely developed in the latter years, but I feel like my mom raised me to always be looking at the positive side of things because what we can control ultimately is our reactions to what happens in life, we can’t control what happens in life. If it’s a decision for me to be positive, or at least embrace it and move on, or a decision to dwell and stay in that negative state, I’m just like, “Well, that seems like a waste of time to stay in the negative state.”
That whole abundance piece, why I brought that up was because I think of whenever my back is against the wall and I’m facing a stressful situation, or I see something that does trigger the jealously, or frustration, or whatever it might be, I just go to that place of you know what, there’s so much more out there that is positive than this current situation. I need to be focused on that. That truly is what’s going to get me through this and to where I want to go. It’s an active strategy, but you have to believe that life isn’t about a little piece of pie that we’re always fighting over. There is tons, and tons, and tons of opportunities out there.
I will say, like with my closest friends, I’ll hear of celebration that they’ve had in business, or life, or whatever, and I will have that ping of jealousy. Then I’m like, “Wait a minute, I don’t get jealous when I hear about Elon Musk buying a multi-million dollar mansion. Clearly he’s figured out a way to create a lot of abundance in his life. There’s plenty to go around. Let’s get after it.” That’s the first piece of it. I’m always working on it.
The second piece is I just totally limit my intake on other peoples’ information. This started actually over 10 years ago when I read the book 4-Hour Workweek. In the first few chapters, Tim Ferris, the author, talks about doing a news fast where you actually cut out all news from your life for, I forget the amount of time. A couple weeks or something or maybe a week. I did that.
I’ve really not gone back to news fully. I don’t have the news app on my phone. I read the printed newspaper to check the news. I don’t’ watch talk shows, I don’t watch Dateline or anything out there. I want my thoughts and my mind to be my own. I realized that so much of the media that’s out there is trying to manipulate me and control my emotions. Keeping that out of my brain 100% helps me stay in a more positive mindset.
Mika Perry: I think that is so true, and that’s the first time I thought about it in that way, as far as it pertains to you because I have never seen you be a media and news consumer, ever. Whether it be Facebook, or watching the news on TV, or have news apps, you’ve never been that way.
Russ Perry: I even on Facebook have a plugin that blocks my News feed, so I just an inspirational quote from Theodore Roosevelt or something.
Mika Perry: That’s what you posted?
Russ Perry: Well no. When I log into Facebook, where it’s supposed to have the News feed, I have a plugin. It’s called News Feed Eradicator, it’s a Chrome plugin. It actually deletes the feed and just puts a daily inspirational quote every time you load it.
Mika Perry: The reason why you don’t want to see a feed but you’re still on Facebook is because you run the Facebook Groups.
Russ Perry: I have Facebook Groups.
Mika Perry: You need it. Yeah.
Russ Perry: But I don’t really care to see what my third cousin’s aunt is doing [crosstalk] for Memorial Day.
Mika Perry: What they’re doing. Sure. Yeah, sure. Well that is good to know. That’s a really great connection.
Your two tips would be to remember abundance.
Russ Perry: Stay in a abundance mindset.
Mika Perry: Yup, and then limit what comes in.
Russ Perry: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Mika Perry: I love how you said you want your mind or your thoughts to be your own. I love that because I completely agree with if you want to focus on what’s good and what your purpose is, it’s to put those blinders on and move forward with your own confidence.
Russ Perry: Yeah. Can I throw in a bonus third one?
Mika Perry: Yes.
Russ Perry: Super fast.
Mika Perry: Of course.
Russ Perry: Now I don’t have time to talk about this a lot, but there is a self-reflection and journaling tool I use called The Stack. It’s something I learned inside of Warrior. When true conflict and negativity does arise, which it does all the time for me, I actually use this tool to write it out and to really explore why am I feeling this way about this certain situation? It’s a little bit of psychoanalysis in a way, but ultimately I discover deeper insights on why I’m being triggered with those feelings.
Bit of a tease here, ’cause I don’t have time to go into what that makes up, but it’s something I do inside of training. I’ve learned it inside of the Warrior program. For my clients and as well as my friends inside the group, that’s what we use. I guess it’s for the listeners is when you do feel those feelings, try to dive into deeper why’s-
Mika Perry: The why. Yeah.
Russ Perry: -on it.
Mika Perry: It’s like a meta thing, like stepping outside of yourself and saying, “Okay, what’s going on with my feelings and emotions?” That takes practice.
Russ Perry: Absolutely.
Mika Perry: That’s not easy to do.
Russ Perry: It’s taken years to be able to do.
Mika Perry: It’s a continuous practice because you are fighting real raw human emotion inside of ourself that are built deep, deep, deep within.
Okay. That connects to what I want to talk about with how I deal with negativity on the inside. I will fully admit that between the two of us, I am much more of the worrier, the negative person. Doesn’t mean I am a negative person, but between us I tend to lean a little bit more on that. I’m not ashamed of that, and I recognize that in myself as part of a personality in the way that I was raised.
I was raised by loving, positive parents who did everything well. But I will say, I think I have a tendency by being a little bit more introverted than you, you are totally an extrovert, that I tend to process things on the inside. Especially as a kid, you don’t have a lot of tools in your toolbox to process emotions and what you’re feeling. I didn’t have an outlet to talk about it. That’s not something we talked about a lot growing up. I was an only child, so I don’t have siblings to bounce ideas off of.
I definitely am more of an internal processor and therefore that can really get you stuck inside of your head in a bad place. It’s not a good pattern if you don’t know how to break it. In a lot of my upbringing and growing up, I didn’t know how to break that, so it became a habitual thing, as to just worry inside of my head and not try to do what you were talking about, which is stepping outside, and analyzing, and being like, “Hold on a minute. What’s really going on here?” I just stewed in my own emotions and my thoughts.
Russ Perry: Well, and you can think about it this way, is that the brain that created those emotion and thoughts isn’t going to necessarily be the initial best place to solve those emotions and thoughts-
Mika Perry: Exactly.
Russ Perry: -’cause you’re too close to it.
Mika Perry: Exactly. You really have to go outside of yourself, and find those tools, and train your brain.
I have done that now. The ways that I have done that is through wellness practices, through personal development, through journaling, through talking about it more. You and I, through our marriage, now I have practiced opening up about my emotions more and telling people about it. That really has alleviated it in a very subtle gradual over time way.
I will so, for wellness practices, meditation, not drinking. Drinking caused anxiety and anxiety caused worry. It was this vicious cycle because it’s dealing with brain chemicals. Also, just proper sleep and nutrition. We really have to take care of our bodies. That leads to another way that I deal with negativity on the inside, is identifying sometimes that it’s not my fault, that it’s actually somewhat out of my control, these feelings of negativity and jealousy, and that it’s natural and it’s okay. But in some ways I don’t have control over it. In a way, just letting it pass and sitting with it. Well first, sitting with it and recognizing it, and then just let it ride its course. Sometimes not try to fight and let it just happen, but then don’t hold onto it.
Russ Perry: Right, business.
Mika Perry: Just move through it.
Russ Perry: Right. This is actually really hard for Mika and I in our relationship because I know, I see you and you’re wanting to go down that path. Everything inside of me fights it ’cause I’m like, “No, we need to talk about this. We need to process this. Let’s analyze this from a third point of view. What’s going on?” You’re like, “Let me just feel this.”
For me, instinctually I feel like you’re avoiding it, that you are actually not wanting to talk about it. I’m like, “Oh, no. She’s stuffing it down. She’ll do this again, and again, and again. Then in a month from now she’s going to explode and it’s going to be this huge emotional atomic bomb.”
But what I have to remind myself is exactly how you described it. It’s almost like you’re lying down in the river and you’re letting the water flow over you, but you’re not holding onto it. You’re not stuffing it down. You’re just like, “Okay, I’m not going to figure this out right now.” Let it just go and give you some space.
I will say, you are right. You don’t hold onto it. The next day, or an hour or two you’re like, “Okay, I’m good.”
Mika Perry: I’m good. I let it wash over me, and then I got up over that river, and I’m okay now.
Russ Perry: Yeah, or in five years from now we’re going to deal with some major crisis.
Mika Perry: No. No, I really feel that I have, over the last few years, really made a lot of positive changes in this regard, in negativity, inside of myself. A lot of the negativity in my life started within me.
Like you mentioned, Russ, with my Instagram, for example, or just my general leaning towards positivity, part of that is me. I need that. I need positivity in my life. It would do me no good to revert back and complain about things, or talk about the real negative things in my life all the time.
Although, you and I don’t avoid it, we talk about it on the podcast, I talk about it on Instagram. I don’t want to dwell on it because it’s not only a thing I don’t want to put out there into the world for others to affect them, I don’t want to put it out there for me to then internalize yet again and create that cycle again.
As far as the feelings that I have inside of me of negative feelings, there’s always an underlying cause to it. Sometimes the things that I need to let wash through me are triggered by outside things. But sometimes it’s a hormonal time of the month, or what’s going on with my body. It might be that I’m tired. To recognize that say, “You know what, I’m being negative because I’m just tired. I need to go to bed, I need to get some sleep.”
Russ Perry: I see that firsthand with Reese. She’s our seven year old. She’s very …
Mika Perry: Sensitive.
Russ Perry: Sensitive, and emotional, and negative when she’s exhausted.
Mika Perry: When she’s tired and she does a lot every day. You, Russ, when you’re hungry, when you’re hangry, hungry, hangry, that’s something we’re like, “Wait a minute, when’s the last time you ate?”
Russ Perry: I get more annoyed than angry.
Mika Perry: But annoyance is … Anger and annoyance are both negative. Sometimes it’s just recognizing that wait a minute, again it might be another cause that not actual the negative thing. It’s not the thing that you’re stewing about.
Finally, smallness versus greatness, ego versus self. This is something we talked about in an interview with Dena Patton, our former business coach. You can go back into our past episodes and we have two interviews with her. But she teaches on smallness versus greatness training. I want to highlight that she calls it training because again, it’s something you have to be activity practicing.
For me, I have now learned that if I am saying, “Mika, you’re not good enough,” or, “Mika, who are you to talk about this or to even attempt something like this,” or, “Mika, nobody likes you,” or, “Mika … ” All this negative self-talk, it’s smallness. It’s our ego, it’s resistance, it is the bad that is trying to hold you back.
Russ Perry: Or Mika, don’t launch that amazing course that you have been working on.
Mika Perry: It’s constant. You can find it in all areas of your life. I do, you do, we all have it. It’s a daily practice to take that smallness voice and squash it. Like Dena says, “Turn up the volume on your greatness.” Choosing to squash the negative and turn up the positive is a choice that I make in my life that has really helped me.
Russ Perry: Now there’s a super topic of how to deal with negativity that’s very popular and you hear it all the time. It’s this term gratitude. Mika, what’s gratitude?
Mika Perry: Gratitude is simply being thankful.
Russ Perry: I would argue …
Mika Perry: That’s negative for us.
Russ Perry: Let me give you my definition. Well I … No, I would say that it’s the act of being thankful, like deliberate practice of it. Not just an instinctual thank you for the cup of coffee, but what am I thankful for? You’re searching, you’re looking at, you’re finding the beauty in the simple.
Like my morning prayer when I wake up, my eyes come open, I literally pray like I’m so glad I didn’t die when I sleep. I’m just thankfully I made it like it’s another day, [inaudible].
Mika Perry: I did that this morning when I stood up. Did you see me? I stood up and stretched. It was like took a breath and that was like, “Be thankful. You’re here, you’re alive.”
Sometimes I think we can wake up sometimes with anxiety or worry of what’s ahead for the day. My daily practice and gratitude is not necessarily writing it down or identifying the things I’m thankful for, but focusing on I get to fill in the blank, I get to do these things because sometimes you think, “I have to do them.”
Russ Perry: Yeah. Gratitude is whatever definition you narrow in on, it’s this act of focusing on the positive, being in the state of positivity. It’s the antidote for negativity because you are making the choice to look at what is going on in your life and being appreciative of that.
Truth be told, the fact that you’re even listening to this podcast on a device that you can afford, that we can be here recording, it is insane the amount of opportunity, and benefit and stability that we all have, everyone that’s hearing our voices right now. That, to me, is just an easy place to start, with gratitude. But just like with everything else, gratitude, for it to truly be a tool, has to have a level of practice and intentionality around it.
I love writing things down. Yeah, I think you can stand up and be grateful, but I love writing down gratitude journals, other forms of it, not only because it develops the habit, because I am able to see my growth through what I’m thankful for. It’s this meta gratitude because I can go back in time and be like, “Wow, remember when I was there and look at how much I’ve grown. I’m thankful now for that growth, not only for the individual things, but for the person I’ve become, and the opportunities and the challenges I’ve overcome.”
I can’t give a better recommendation to anyone in terms of combating negativity than to tackling it with gratitude.
Mika Perry: I think another way to show gratitude or practice gratitude in your life is not just inward gratitude of what you have, but also thanking others, whether writing it down, putting it in a text. Russ, as Core Four, you have that to declare, right?
Russ Perry: Right.
Mika Perry: Or the practice of telling … Yeah.
Russ Perry: What Mika is referencing is my habit system that I use as part of my own personal operating system and it’s called Core Four. You can check out that episode on the website, goodtobehomepodcast.com. But every day I make two deposits of gratitude to you and the girls, sometimes to family. It’s intentional and it’s a habit. I’m not expecting anything from it, but it keeps me in that right mindset.
Now there’s something here, Mika, that I think is important to, is … You made a note here Mika. I don’t want to skip over it, is what about the people you surround yourself by, the friendships and the relationships? I know that that is a huge influence in us and there is intentionality with both of us of who we interact with, the time we spend on the weekends and the nights.
For everyone, that’s a really important thing to analyze. There is 100% some relationships in your life right now that are skewing you to the negativity zone. How do you, when you know there’s that person in your life, Mika, that is, “Man this person, every time I’m around them or their interactions, I go to that negative place. But they’re my best friend, or they’re my neighbor, or they’re at church.” How do you combat that or how do you navigate that?
Mika Perry: Well first off, our neighbors are awesome.
Russ Perry: They are not negative at all.
Mika Perry: They’re not negative. We have the best …
Russ Perry: All of them.
Mika Perry: We have the best neighbors, and they look out for us, and we love them. We share a lot of same values with our neighbors, which I think is the key in finding the positive around you, surrounding yourself with people that have the same values as you because then that will lead to actions and words that are positive, and in line with what’s important to you.
When I have had negative influences on the outside, I deal with it in a positive way, which is just distancing and not adding more to the negativity. Always, always responding with kindness. Not out of your way kindness, but just if there’s any other interaction, it’s just never take it down the negative path. There’s plenty of it in there, so don’t add to it. That’s how I approach that.
Russ Perry: There is a level of sympathy and understanding that I always approach to other personal relationships that tend to go negative that I really … I mean the adage, “Put yourself in their shoes,” even though we’ve heard it for decades growing up, I actively practice that. I don’t believe anyone’s normally crazy mean, or crazy negative, or a hater or a troll by design. They weren’t born that way. Something happened in their lives and that’s how they’re reacting.
Mika Perry: Absolutely.
Russ Perry: I have almost sympathy for them Man, what’s going on with them where they feel like they need to act this way?
Mika Perry: Yeah, it comes from insecurity. I think it’s been really helpful to remind myself that okay, it’s not me, it’s them. That’s not in mean way on my part or our part. It’s not saying, “Oh, we’ll you’re just insecure, so this is what … ” It’s an actual genuine like, “Okay, that’s what’s happening in your life. I recognize it, I have sympathy. I know you need to work through it. Work through it.” I’m not going to let it affect me.
Insecurity happens in us too, you and I. For me, when I have been insecure, I know when I’ve said negative things, or I have been that mean person, or I have done something that I regret. It’s because it came from something negative in me. It had nothing to do with that person really, it was me.
Knowing that I have done that and I know that other people do that, I think that’s huge to admit that, and recognize it, and just always keep that in the back of your mind that people are acting because of past hurts, past pain, past trauma, past insecurity or current of all that.
Russ Perry: Now how do you know when it’s your obligation or duty to try to help that person versus just move on and distance yourself?
Mika Perry: That’s a great question. Maybe I think when you … It’s like you keep trying and trying, but there’s no growth happening or reception on the other side, then that’s when you have to step away.
Russ Perry: Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense.
Mika Perry: You use your intuition.
Russ Perry: Well, your intuition is a lot better than my intuition.
Mika Perry: What about you? What have you done when you have recognized that there is either a negative relationship or a negative influence in your life? Where do you draw the line of trying to help them or just stepping away?
Russ Perry: This is a tough question ’cause I’ve written a book, The Sober Entrepreneur, designed to help people. I have that in my heart, I have that in my nature. But when I published that book, I realized it wasn’t practical for me to help everyone who reached out, and coach them or talk to them. Having resources I can point people to that aren’t my time to deliver is something that I’ve done.
I’ll always send people to the book, got some people to coaching programs. I have recommendations for folks if they’re wanting to be helped. But that’s the question I answer before I engage with someone, is this person willing or wanting to change, or are they someone who is just going to be who they are? Do I just need to honor them and move on?” That’s how I delineate.
Then this might sounds selfish but I also analyze that relationship. Is that relationship healthy for me and my family to get where we want to go? Because if it is, or that person … Say it’s a family member, a sibling, or a cousin, or a parent or something that they’ve reached out and they want to be that, well that’s a different set of rules and I’m going to do my part to try to help them so long as they’re willing.
But if it is a casual business relationship, I don’t really have a lot of tolerance for it unless that person’s explicitly coming to me behind the negativity is like, “Hey. All right, Russ, I really need some help. I’d like for you to support me.” Then I’ll assess where is the best place for them to go.
Mika Perry: Yeah, then it turns into a positive relationship.
Russ Perry: It is. Yeah.
Mika Perry: [inaudible] relationship.
Now what about you mentioned trolls and haters.
Russ Perry: Oh gosh. Yeah.
Mika Perry: We’ve talked about this before in a social media episode that you can go back and listen to. But when you have had negative comments, words directed at you, whether in person or online, what are some strategies that you’ve put into place to keep that negativity from the outside from coming in and affecting you on the inside?
Russ Perry: Well what you don’t do is spend an hour on Facebook writing back to them, being snarky and pissed off.
Mika Perry: Have you doe that before?
Russ Perry: Earlier on in the years. I actually remember at our old apartment, we had our desk in our room. It was a small place. I was on the computer, and you look over my shoulder and you’re like, “What are you writing?” You specifically saw this five paragraph long [crosstalk] comment on Facebook.
Mika Perry: Long response.
Russ Perry: I think that was the turning point for my engagement.
In that specific place, I’m too close to it. I do get really emotionally triggered by the comments all about my company.
Mika Perry: Do you?
Russ Perry: Yeah because [crosstalk] I take it …
Mika Perry: You do?
Russ Perry: It’s like offending my family. Design Pickle is my bigger other family, and a lot of things are very personal, attacking our designers or attacking our reputation. I have to have other people manage it. I don’t even check it anymore. I physically …
Just earlier we were talking about removing the inputs. I don’t have those inputs because I’m still not holy enough to handle it in an appropriate way. I’ll go down past where I’m like, “Okay, underemployed designer hating on our service. Why don’t you go get a job rather than being on Facebook ads?”
Mika Perry: Also, that’s good that you’ve identified that that is a trigger for you so you’re going to remove it because you have that emotion that you just can’t let go of ’cause it’s so important to you.
Russ Perry: Yeah, and I don’t want to try to psychoanalyze. I think it’s good for me to get angry at them, but then I just am like, “Let someone else manage it.”
But look, if that’s not possible, it’s the same approach. Think about truly what are these people dealing with. Look, I have actually approached this issue very positively. I will kill them with an uncomfortable amount of kindness. Just like, “Oh my gosh.” Almost like [inaudible] where they’re like, “You’re … ”
For example, they’re like, “Oh, you’re undercutting the graphic design industry. Screw you,” that’s a Facebook comment we’d get and [inaudible] be like, “Oh. Hey, Johnny Da-Da-Da.”
Mika Perry: It’s so great to hear from you.
Russ Perry: “Thanks for your comment. I’m really don’t understand what you’re mean because we’ve actually employed this amount of people in this, and we’ve done this. Here’s some blog articles that I’ve written.” Then my response still is very long, but it’s super positive and …
Mika Perry: Jam packed with positivity.
Russ Perry: And jam packed with positivity. I will be relentless. They’ll respond and I’ll do it. I actually have converted people.
Mika Perry: That way?
Russ Perry: Yeah, some people will be [crosstalk] like, “Oh my gosh, I didn’t know.”
Mika Perry: That’s so cool.
Russ Perry: Often it’s just people are being just …
Mika Perry: They don’t know.
Russ Perry: Yeah, they’re just being knee jerk reactionists and they’re surprised when you lean into it like that.
But as anyone, if you are dealing with that specific situation, there’s only so much productivity you can have out of it. I think nowadays we just click on the little Report Comment button, and select Harassment or something, and then it disappears from our accounts.
Mika Perry: Interesting. Yeah, I love that.
Russ Perry: Have you got a hater?
Mika Perry: Once.
Russ Perry: Ooh.
Mika Perry: Once.
Russ Perry: Can you share about it?
Mika Perry: I can.
Russ Perry: Okay.
Mika Perry: You know what, I’m going to share about it. I mentioned it briefly in a social media episode. I had one hater that distance followed me. You can see when they’re watching your stories. Out of the blue sent me a DM saying, “You used to talk about tips and ideas, and now all you’re doing is flaunting your new money. That’s the worst thing in the world.” First off I was like, “Is that the worst thing in the world? You’re being so dramatic.” But it was just a very like … There was no periods. It was just a long vent, a rant.
A few years ago I feel that would have bothered me. It would have got me heated, like my ears would have gotten hot, I would get that adrenaline in my stomach. But at that point I had a huge piece in my heart and I knew it was all about them.
Now two things I want to mention here is first, she brought up … Or maybe it’s a he. I don’t know, because it was a business. 1) It’s a business that you and I have bought something from, and 1.5) it is a business that is focused on wealth, and money, and extravagance, and glamor and all this stuff. Diamonds, you guys. It was a jewelry company that we had bought a ring from. I don’t think they knew that. Maybe they did.
But anyways, it was like, “Hah, interesting that you’re talking about being superficial because that’s your business, in a way.”
Russ Perry: The business of money representation as jewelry.
Mika Perry: Yeah, jewelry. Anyways, I was like, “Oh, that’s just odd, but okay. Apparently there’s something going on with you though.”
The second thing is that they brought up, “The worst thing in the world is people flaunting new money.” I thought afterwards, I was like, “You know, but don’t you think new money is the best because that is a representation that you made value and created your wealth. You didn’t get it handed to you.”
Russ Perry: Right. No handouts.
Mika Perry: Now I’m not saying that you and I are new money, or we’re flaunting this wealth. This is just talking about the comment that this person made and I was like, “Well if we’re going to go down that road, here’s how I would have res … maybe.” It just got me thinking about it.
You and I don’t want to flaunt wealth, whether it’s new, or old or whatever. I love a nice purse, or I love nice things. You love Gucci. Okay, so what? I mean, some people don’t. I shouldn’t say who doesn’t? But we love it. I just like it.
Russ Perry: I respect it.
Mika Perry: I respect it. There’s all these things, right? But I just thought. I was like, “But isn’t new money awesome as an entrepreneur? All of us with businesses, that’s new money, you guys. You are creating wealth. Why should that be the worst thing in the world? Actually, that’s generating the economy and actually creating the money to buy your products, jeweler.”
Anyways. But you know how I responded to that is I said, “Hey,” again, kindness, “Thanks for reaching out. That certainly isn’t my intention.” I’m paraphrasing here, “That certainly isn’t my intention. I’m actually on vacation right now with my husband and I, in Japan. I can’t really offer organizing tips right now because that’s just not my current week, that’s not where I’m at. I’m in Japan enjoying a vacation. Feel free to follow along or whatever.” I was like just …
Russ Perry: Paid for with my new money.
Mika Perry: Anyways, that’s how I left it. Then of course they didn’t respond back, so that was the only time I got a hater comment.
I just want to say to all my followers out there, thank you for being the best and being kind. If you ever had a negative comment or a thought about me, thanks for not telling me. Just know that I am trying to do my best, and try not to bring any negativity into my life or your life, and I want to promote positivity. If you can be onboard with that, I am onboard with it and let’s just embrace that.
Russ Perry: To close this up, I look at what we create and there has to be an intent, there has to be a purpose. We have this podcast, but we’re not medical doctors, we’re not technicians around a product or a tool, and we’re teaching about that. We’re not fitness experts. What’s the product of Good To Be Home? What’s the product of the content we’re creating? Could be just positivity. That’s not something that is all too common out there with what’s being created, and the way people are approaching media and content. I’m proud of that.
I look at combating negative with positive as maybe the ultimate antidote. If we’re able to just focus on that for what we do, then to me, that is a great strategy, not just for our own content, but as you the listeners, you’re thinking about this whole topic is where in your life could you insert in more positivity or rebalance to where the negativity is less than the positivity, and the relationships and the commitments, and then what you’re consuming so that you’re net average is positive and not negative, to get mathematical on that.
Mika Perry: Like you mentioned the contribution of this podcast being positivity, I like to focus on the positive and show that out there in the world, whether it’s through this podcast or on Instagram to show that even though you go through bad things, like for us addiction, affair, hard things in our lives, in the end, you can still have a positive life no matter what happens. There is always abundance for you, there is always good things out there for you.
It’s just highlighting that. It’s that yeah, bad things happen, but you can still move through that and actually find yourself at a even better place, and really showing that in our real lives. By the grace of God we got to this amazing positive point in our life. Just the continuation of that.
I want to wrap things up, if you guys don’t mind, with a quote that really shows that it really is a choice to be positive, and your mind and your thoughts matter. That’s what creates the positivity and combats the negativity on the inside, and therefore creates the positivity and combats the negativity on your outer life.
It is actually a quote from the Bible. It is Philippians 4:8, and it says, “Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy or praise, think about these things.”
Russ Perry: Thanks so much everyone, for listening to this episode of Good To Be Home. You can catch past episodes and our lists over on our website, goodtobehomepodcast.com.
Mika Perry: Thank you guys, for your reviews. I noticed the star rating is going up.
Russ Perry: Woo hoo.
Mika Perry: Thanks for taking the minute to just tap on those stars. If you can leave a word or two on how this podcast has impacted you, what you’ve loved about it, what you want to hear more, please leave that in the Comments section in the reviews, or you can send us an email at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Russ Perry: Have a positive week, everyone.
Mika Perry: All right.
Russ Perry: See you next week.
Mika Perry: Bye.
Russ Perry: Thanks for listening to this episode of Good To Be Home.
Mika Perry: Don’t forget to subscribe on iTunes and give us a rating.
Russ Perry: See you next time.